September 24, 2008
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s, love
each other, and have been living together for two years. We have good sex once
a week. I have a low libido, and I always have. But my sweet boyfriend needs
more than once a week. Every once in a while, he brings up the fact that he'd
like to have more sex. This conversation always goes the same way: He tells me,
I start crying, he feels terrible for making me cry, we both wind up feeling
like shit.
I'm pretty sure that the solution is for me to
jump my sexy boyfriend more often. But I don't know how. I know I have an inner
vixen buried somewhere inside me. I would appreciate any suggestions you have.
Wanna Want More
If you've been to the doc and ruled out a hormonal
imbalance, WWM, and made sure that whatever birth-control method you're using
isn't decimating your libido, your best bet is to accept that this is just the
way you work for now—you may surprise yourself when you hit your sexual
peak in a few years—and find some middle ground.
Let's say your boyfriend wants it four times a
week and you can only "get into it" once a week. I'm not going to tell you that
it's as simple as splitting the difference—have sex twice a week!
everybody loses!—because that advice, which is pretty standard for
couples in your situation, is fucking useless. Inevitably, sex falls back to
the frequency preferred by the person with the lower libido—just the
boyfriend loses!—but having been promised more sex, the higher-libido
partner's sense of resentment spikes, there are more tearful talks, and the
relationship invariably ends.
Here's what you should do instead: You commit to
great sex at least once a week. He deals. But you also commit to making sure
your boyfriend is well and thoroughly milked—with your cheerful
assistance—at least three additional times a week. You commit to being
his full-blown sex partner once a week and his life-size, ambulatory
masturbatory aide at least three times a week.
How would that work? Well, let's say you're not up
for sex on Wednesday because you had sex last Sunday. But he's horny. So you
plop your twat down on his face and let him eat you out while he beats off.
It'll take 10 minutes. Then let's say he's horny again on Friday, but you're
just not feeling it. So you treat him to a handjob while you rub your tits in
his face. Another 10 minutes. And let's say he wakes up horny on Saturday
morning. So you sit on the edge of the bed, have him kneel between your open
legs, and pull his face into your crotch while you tell him how thoroughly
you're going to fuck the shit out of him tomorrow, on Sunday, when you're
finally horny again.
As a special bonus, WWM, you may find that once
the pressure is off—once you're not expected to have or want sex but just
expected to help out your horny boyfriend—your libido occasionally kicks
in and you're inspired to jump him. Or not. Either way, the pressure is off,
you're having great sex at least once a week, and he sees you making a sincere
effort to keep his balls drained and him happy. Everybody wins.
I am a single, young, professional gal who likes
to party until the break of dawn. This weekend, I went out with a group. One of
the guys, who I liked as a friend but was not attracted to, was at first
cordial. But he became aggressive on the dance floor. He kept grabbing me by
the hips and pulling me closer. He seemed to think my proper response was to
turn around and start humping his leg. Is there some unspoken understanding
that I am unaware of that grinding on a guy's leg on the dance floor does not mean that a girl is
interested in him? Is this just the way people dance now? If so, am I a prude
for not wanting to rub my genitals on a guy I have no interest in? If not, then
I need help with what to say if this happens again!
Grind It Someplace Else
One of two things was going on, GISE: For fear of
seeming unfriendly, you sent signals that Dancer Boy innocently mistook for
mild interest, and he attempted to get things started, as the kids used to say,
on the dance floor; or, Dancer Boy knew you weren't interested but sensed that
you, like many young women, were socialized to be polite and deferential to men
and knowingly manipulated you into a situation that made you feel
uncomfortable.
The next time someone touches you on the dance
floor in a way that makes you uncomfortable, GISE, here's what you do: no
smiles, no dancing away, no polite attempts to deflect his attention. Stop
dancing, make eye contact, shake your head slowly back and forth, and clearly
mouth the word "NO." Then go back to dancing in whatever manner and in whatever
space and with whatever partner you choose. And if the same guy attempts to
pull you onto his ass after you've given him the stop-stand-stare "NO," GISE,
do all women everywhere a favor and kick him in the nuts.
I am a 27-year-old hetero female. My new
boyfriend is 24 and kinky. Before I met him, I had never been bound or spanked
or had any kind of sex that was not "vanilla." I have enjoyed everything we
have done and I trust him. Now he wants anal sex. He has what I think is an
average dick—based on the three others I've seen—but I'm afraid
that it will be painful. Am I a big baby?
Another Needing Anal Lessons
I order you to start having anal sex with your
boyfriend immediately, ANAL. Tons of anal—but without letting your
boyfriend's cock come anywhere near your ass, 'kay?
In other words: yes to anal, no to dick. Think
tongues, lubed-up fingers, very small toys, and smooth, clean vibrators used
non-insertively (which is fancy sex-advice talk for "lay the vibrator on your
asshole, don't shove it the fuck in"), not dick. If you find that you enjoy
other kinds of anal sex—and you will—your boyfriend's dick may
start to look like a shiny new toy, or an enticing upgrade option, and not the
intimidating ass-hammer it appears to be now.
But for this to work, your boyfriend has to swear
on a stack of Jack Morin's Anal and Pleasure & Healths that he will pleasure
your ass, and get you off, without attempting to rush you or pressure you into
dick-in-ass buttfucking until you decide you're ready.
Per your column last week: When a man puts his
balls in someone's ass, it's referred to as "putting the dog in the bathtub,"
because it's so hard to accomplish.
Kevin
It might amuse me, Kevin, if so many readers
weren't absolutely furious about the advice I gave the woman freaked out about
her partner's request to stuff his balls in her. You can read their outraged
letters—and my feeble attempts to respond—at avclub.com/savage/balls.
Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every
Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.