September 3, 2008
I'm
a 38-year-old straight male in a long-term relationship. We have two children,
still quite young. I am not sure what killed the intimacy of our relationship,
but my spouse and I have been physically disconnected for years. This led to
some rather sleazy adulterate behavior on my part. We recently discussed the
topic at length (at which time I informed her of my indiscretions); we have
decided to remain together for our children because we work well together as
parents, and we are pretty good friends. We have also decided to "open" our
relationship.
We
both seem to want the same thing: a companion of the opposite sex, a friend and
lover. My spouse has one. It is someone I am acquainted with, and I know him to
be a fine, responsible person. I have been looking for someone, but no luck. I
posted an ad online, but only managed to attract a Russian woman living in
Russia (or a scammer). Some direction would be greatly appreciated.
By
the way, I should mention that I am very good-looking, in superb physical condition,
charismatic, and highly educated.
All
Too Human
Don't
let modesty prevent you from listing modesty among your many qualities, ATH, as
the chicks really dig that modesty stuff.
Okay,
so…
You're
looking for a companion of the opposite sex, a friend and lover, someone who
understands you're committed to staying in your marriage for the sake of the
kids, someone you know to be responsible and trustworthy, someone who gets the
whole open-relationship concept…
How
about the wife?
I
know, I know: You two physically disconnected after the births of your children
(all too common), you engaged in some sleazy adulterate behavior, wocka wocka
wocka. But that's all out in the open now, and you've decided to stay together
because you're good parents, partners, and friends, and you've opened the
relationship up to seek friends-with-benefits, as the straight people call 'em,
or fuckbuddies, as we gay people like to call 'em.
But
why not have sex with each other anyway?
Not
exclusively, of course. It's important that you leave things open, at least for
the time being, ATH, because openness may help your wife realize that a person
can be married to Person A, have sex with Person B (and perhaps Persons C and
D, as well), and still be a good, loving, present spouse to Person A. If she's
at all introspective, ATH, your wife will come to this realization because
that's what she herself is doing.
She's having sex with another man, while at the same time being a good and
loving wife to you and a good and loving mom to her kids.
Once
she has this realization—that love and commitment, and not sexual
exclusivity, is the important bond that you two share—she may be able to
forgive you, really forgive you, for all your pre-open-marriage sleazy
adulterate behavior. And you may be able to restore your sexual connection,
even if you never become completely sexually exclusive again.
In
the meantime, ATH, there are many more frustrated married men out there seeking
sex online than there are frustrated married women seeking sex online. But since
your deal with the wife doesn't exclude mutual friends and
acquaintances—look who she's with—then there's no need for you to
troll online exclusively or at all. Be open and honest with friends and
acquaintances about your situation and your search. If you really are the
superb, charismatic, and highly educated piece of ass you claim to be, you'll
soon be fielding offers from single female friends and/or secretly frustrated
married female friends.
For
some reason, I have always found Native Americans to be sexually attractive.
But the whole semi-dark skin and traditional breechcloth thing doesn't seem to
be easy to find in porn or real life. I was wondering if you had some pointers
for someone with a bad case of Native American Jungle Fever. There seems to be
a distinct lack of Natives going about in basic buckskin "dress" these days.
Native
Amateur
"The
letter writer is correct," says Sherman Alexie, the National Book
Award–winning author who was willing to demean himself and risk career
suicide by giving me a quote. "There is a dearth of Native American porn."
But
Alexie tells me that once, while hunting for antique board games, he typed
"cowboy and Indian action figures" into Google and found his way to a site that
featured U.S. Cavalry soldiers and loinclothed Indians smoking more than peace
pipes. But that's all he's got for us, pornwise. As for real life…
"There's
just no way your reader is going to find an Indian willing to put on a
loincloth for sexual purposes," says Alexie. "Unless that Indian is a seriously
damaged, culturally disconnected, politically unaware, and unsafe-sex
practicing slut."
I
part ways with Alexie here. Not because I know more about Native Americans,
Native American issues, or Native American kinks. Goodness, no. But over the
years, I've heard from way too many healthy, politically aware, and sexually
safe African-Americans who dig role-playing slavery scenarios—and too
many good Jews who get off on concentration-camp scenarios, and too many polite
Canadians who get off on clueless-American-tourist scenarios ("Ooh, ask me who
our 'president' is again!")—to rule out the possibility that there is a
kind, decent, safe Native American genuinely interested in role-playing
cowboys-and-injuns. Or cowboys-in-injuns, and vice-versa. But they're gonna be
rare, NA.
So
what can you do to up your odds of finding the action you seek?
"If
the letter-writer is an attractive blond female," says Alexie, "she can head to
the next powwow in the region where she lives, pick out a handsome fancydancer,
and hit on him. She'll either get laid in the back of a casino-money-financed
SUV, or she'll get assaulted by a roving band of Indian women looking to
protect our most precious and dwindling resource: Native American men."
Dan,
I need to know. What bodily function is the opposite of an orgasm? Thanks a
lot.
Could
Use More
"Though
it's not exactly a bodily function, the back spasm is the opposite of an
orgasm," says Sherman Alexie, the National Book Award–winning author.
"Why
did he send that question to Alexie?" some of my readers are no doubt asking
themselves. That, of course, is a question that only a thoughtless bigot would
ask, and I probably shouldn't dignify it with a response. But let's approach
this as a teaching moment, shall we? I sent this question along to Alexie
because the National Book Award-winning author is the father of two, and, we
can reasonably extrapolate, the haver of orgasms, which more than qualifies him
to field this question. Okay, back to Alexie:
"While
the orgasm is the pleasurable release of stress, the back spasm is the painful
reminder of collected and unexpelled stress. I am currently typing one-handed
because I am shoving my fist deep into my lower back as some sort of half-assed
pressure-point massage. Of course, since the U.S. has become a
chair-and-computer culture, the number of people who are currently massaging
their wrecked backs is vastly larger than the number who are massaging their
sexual organs."
And
when you pause to consider that all of the U.S. and most of Canada were
basically built on top of a giant Indian graveyard, I'd say we're getting off
easy with a little lower-back pain.
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