September 4, 2013

Settle this for us, Dan? Which is the bigger ask: a one-time, once-in-a-lifetime threesome or regular (and pretty damn elaborate) bondage sessions?
Ruling On Private Enquiry Required

Let me guess: Your partner is into bondage, ROPER, and you’re not. But you’ve been doing the hard work of tying him/her/some-other-point-along-the-gender-spectrum up for months, years, or decades… and the partner you’ve gone to great lengths to indulge (and restrain) regards your request for a once-in-a-lifetime/standard-issue-fantasy threesome as too much to ask of him/her/SOPATGS.

My ruling: Regular and intense bondage sessions are the bigger ask in terms of time and effort—particularly if I guessed wrong, ROPER, and you’re the person who’s getting tied up and bondage isn’t your thing—but a threesome, even just one, is going to be a bigger ask emotionally for most people. While the former requires patience and endurance, the latter requires revisiting feelings about monogamy, sharing your partner with another person, etc. It’s a smaller ask in terms of time and effort, certainly, but a higher hurdle in fee-fee terms.

Isolating a romantic partner from her family and friends is a red flag—that’s a classic abuser move—but asking a girl you’ve just started dating to cut off a friend she’s been fucking for months isn’t necessarily an abuser move. If he’s asking her to cut non-FWB friends and family members in addition to you, CULL, then it’s a red flag and you should speak to her. But if it’s only you, CULL, then it’s just some garden-variety insecurity on the new BF’s part. Let your friend know that you hope you can re-establish your friendship once her new BF is feeling more secure or her BF is out of the picture—whichever comes first.

Shakespeare diagnosed your problem centuries ago: Boozing “provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.” As for “bad mama jama,” WDOG, I wasn’t familiar with the expression—first guess: a Martin Lawrence comedy about a male FBI agent who goes undercover as the first black woman to edit the Journal Of The American Medical Association—but the Google tells me it’s a song about something or other.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have “erectile dysfunction,” TOES, and never did. Your BF, like millions of other men who are presumed to have ED, simply wasn’t doing the things that turn him on. Now that he is—now that your feet are in play—he doesn’t have any issues getting and staying hard. And you don’t need anything off the Internet, TOES. You already have everything you need to support your boyfriend: the shit in your shoes (those lovely feet of yours) and the shit between your ears (your supportive, sex-positive attitude about his kinks). Have fun.

You could’ve saved face in the moment by laughing and saying something like this: “Yeah, I was quite the little pervert back then, bro, but weren’t we all at that age?” Your parents, your new wife, your brother’s son, et al. would’ve imagined your brother doing something much, much worse than wearing women’s clothes. But it’s too late for that comeback. (Avoir l’esprit de l’escalier, right?) So my advice now: Pick a special, solemn occasion—your brother’s anniversary party, midnight mass, his son’s graduation—and show up in full fuckin’ drag.

Thought experiment: Let’s pretend your girlfriend is a lesbian. (And why not? Your girlfriend does.) What kind of a lesbian GF is she? The kind of lesbian GF who doesn’t fuck you much, sucks in bed on those rare occasions when she does fuck you, and manipulates you emotionally to keep you from calling her on her doesn’t-fuck-you-much/sucks-in-bed-when-she-does bullshit. So, FTE, your GF—lesbian or not—is selfish and inconsiderate and she’s making you miserable. End it.

Good news, BARK! Terry says we can get a puppy! But he says we’ll have to get our puppy fixed. That’s a big ask, I realize, but we wanna be responsible dog owners.