Weed and the music of dancehall artist Shaggy are not just effective weapons in the war to get laid in 1995. They are also as-yet-underutilized in the campaign against terrorist organization ISIS, says noted Shaggy strategist Shaggy in a recent interview with the Miami New Times. The self-proclaimed “Mr. Lovah Lovah” (né Orville Lovah-Lovah) discussed his unusually non-irie single “Go Fuck Yourself,” where he took the opportunity to extend the sentiment to the jihadist group whose savage violence has terrified the Middle East, as well as “Boombastic” singer Shaggy.
“ISIS can go fuck themselves. That’s some crazy shit what they’re doing,” Shaggy said, as direct with his feelings on terrorism as he is with giving you the loving well good, girl.
Fortunately, Shaggy has a plan for dealing with ISIS where so many international efforts have so far proved disappointingly non-boombastic. “If they’re listening to Shaggy music or reggae music, they’re not going to want to cut somebody’s head off,” Shaggy suggests. “There’re two things you want to do when you listen to reggae: You get somebody pregnant, or you’re fucking high. High people don’t want to kill nothing; they want to love. They need to bag some Jamaican weed and distribute it amongst ISIS. I guarantee there won’t be any more wars out there.”
Shaggy also recommends that someone—a UN force? ISIS’s roommate Brian?—“throw some Bob Marley up in there and there’ll be peace.” In his estimation, the caliphate would then likely abandon its plans to bring about the Day of Judgment and maybe just play some hacky sack.
While so far unproven in the theater of combat, Shaggy’s bold “everybody smoke weed and listen to Bob Marley” initiative is backed by years of success in college dormitories—where it might be annoying, but at least no one’s cutting anyone’s head off. And as plans go, it as least as well-thought-out as Donald Trump’s.