Shrek, the green cartoon ogre, had no idea what to expect when he walked into that VMan photo shoot. Sure, he wanted to change his image—the perfect little happy DreamWorks world was so stifling, sometimes it felt like couldn't breathe, or, more accurately, that he had grown human lungs, learned how to breathe, then found that he couldn't breathe because of the suffocating perfection of Dreamworks—but VMan? They're just so fashiony and intimidating. What if they wanted him to remove his cartoon tunic? Or (gulp) his cartoon tights? What if they brought in a crate of ferrets and said, "Shrek, ferrets are really in right now. And super edgy. You want people to think you're super edgy, right? Well, then just take off all your cartoon clothes and let the ferrets crawl all over you. It's fashion!" Would he be able to say no?
But, as it turned out, the VMan people weren't like that at all. They were so…normal. In fact, the first thing that the photographer said to Shrek was, "We just want you to be comfortable and take some beautiful pictures. Just go with it." And so Shrek did. He went with it, and it all felt so natural, so right.
"That's so shreking beautiful, Shrek!" the photographer shouted when Shrek posed next to the model wearing the skirt cage, "You're a shreking star!" Shrek left the photo shoot that day feeling proud and confident and, for once, grown-up.
Then the photos came out, and the Paramount people got upset, and all Shrek could feel was shame. From The Hollywood Reporter:
Shrek and friends have taken part in a bizarrely metrosexual photo spread for a men's magazine ahead of the release of the third installment in the hugely popular animated feature franchise.
Needless to say, the studios behind "Shrek Forever After" say they regret the unorthodox depictions of the family-friendly characters. But no retribution, legal or otherwise, is planned…
"While we do respect Vman's creative vision, the shoot did not turn out the way originally envisioned when the idea was first presented by the magazine," a Paramount spokesperson said. "In hindsight, we would have declined to include the Shrek characters in such a magazine spread."
How embarrassing and not-at-all calculated! Obviously there was no way Paramount could have known how the photos would turn out when they sent their innocent cartoon characters off to the photoshoot. Those horrible fashion people took advantage of the Shrek cast:
First things first: I don't know what The Hollywood Reporter thinks "metrosexual" means, but it definitely doesn't mean "half-clothed fashion models cavorting with cartoons."
Secondly, I realize that this whole "Paramount regrets letting Shrek pose in 'racy' VMan spread" thing is just a hollow publicity push for Shrek Forever After, a movie that for some reason desperately wants to seem edgy, but come on. These characters totally knew what they were doing:
And they loved it. Also, why would Paramount regret what is easily the funniest Shrek-related thing ever?