With his mercilessly saccharine Simon Birch, writer/director Mark Steven Johnson (the man responsible for both Grumpy Old Men movies) has not so much adapted John Irving's beloved 1989 novel A Prayer For Owen Meany as glazed it with a thick, golden autumnal lacquer. There's hardly a character, plot twist, or musical theme in the whole enterprise that isn't primed to go straight for the tear ducts, as if Johnson assumes that his audience is incapable of mounting a defense. Which begs the question: Is Simon Birch just severely misguided in its earnestness, or is it the most cynical movie of the year? Jim Carrey opens the film with his one serious expression, pursing his lips and taking a deep breath through his nose as he launches into the story of his childhood in small-town New England in the 1950s. Joseph Mazzello (Jurassic Park) plays him as a troubled 12-year-old, the illegitimate son of a saintly, beautiful single woman (Ashley Judd) who befriends the title character, a dwarf well-played by Ian Michael Smith, himself a Morquio's Syndrome sufferer. Despite his discouraging family life, Smith claims to be an instrument in God's plan, and his unyielding faith serves as inspiration for Mazzello in his search to find his real father. Simon Birch is meant to be an offbeat, ironic, life-affirming take on human spirituality, but Johnson leaves nothing but an air of familiar, all-purpose '50s wholesomeness. Even the impressive supporting cast—including Judd, Oliver Platt, David Strathairn, Jan Hooks, and Dana Ivey—is reduced to various shades of genteel. By requesting all the character names be changed, and having the credits read that the screenplay was only "suggested" by his book, Irving did everything he could to distance himself from this project. Judging from the results, it's best to follow his lead.