Sizzler’s forgotten bid to be “America’s choice” is terrifying

If you’re familiar with Sizzler, it’s probably as a chain of restaurants. But back in 1991, it had loftier plans. It’s not exactly clear what those plans were, but based a musical infomercial unearthed by Esquire, it either had something to do with running for national office or starting its own Scientology-like cult.

While Sizzler’s true intentions may be lost to the ages, there are a number of troubling clues that suggest an Orwellian attempt to enslave America under the yoke of false choice. Consider the evidence:

• The entire musical arrangement was likely the work of John Ashcroft.
• Young girls need to beware of predatory sea captains. You won’t find any of them at Sizzler.
• “Sizzler is the one who brings us choices.” The only one; never forget.
• While largely forgotten in our post-9/11 culture, in 1991, it was perfectly acceptable wear a generic “Navy Sailor” Halloween costume out on a date.
• Once the narration begins, Sizzler is quite frank in its harrowing assessment of homegrown terrorism, confirming that, “All over America, a quiet revolution has begun.”
• At 1:36, we learn that “Americans have redefined what’s important in their lives,” and what’s important is carousel rides.
• “Sizzler brings the choices.” Choices, and oversized sneeze guards. Getting your goddamn germs in our salad bar is not an acceptable choice, America.
• We’re not positive what’s in the Sundae that has the woman at 2:14 so aggressively licking her chops, but there’s a good chance it’s crystal meth.
• In case it hasn’t sunk in yet, “Sizzler is the choice of America.” The only choice; never forget.
• By the time we hit the three-minute mark, Sizzler reveals what the only choice is: grill or buffet. Huzzah.
• Sizzler hints at “an all new kind of courteous, friendly service,” which combines vague inappropriateness with plausible deniability.
• After concluding its campaign promises, Sizzler closes with more happiness montages, including a guy who shouldn’t have been interrupted from giving his dog “extra attention,” a really sweaty Pat Benatar fan, and proof that the sailor Halloween costume will get you to at least first base.
• The parting promise? Just “Sizzler,” whispered with the chilling confidence of a company who knows that the only choice is no choice at all.