After sagely taking steps to ensure no one could create “This Sick Beat”-branded wind chimes, Taylor Swift has blocked the fulfillment of another sick fantasy by preemptively buying porn sites in her own name. As reported by CNN, Swift was one of the first to take advantage of the grace period currently being allowed by Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, which gives both famous people and trademarked brands such as Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift the opportunity to snap up one of the new, soon-to-be-released generic top-level domains that could be used for self-serving purposes besides promoting famous people and trademarked brands. And so, Swift has already registered TaylorSwift.porn and TaylorSwift.adult, thus stymieing any would-be attempt to attach porn to her name. How could they? She already used up the word “porn.”
Swift reportedly isn’t alone in racing to grab some of these “controversial” domains before they can be bought by just anyone on June 1. Already, Microsoft has reportedly purchased “Office.porn” and “Office.adult,” similarly frustrating those who will have to find other places to put their graphic videos of women getting all sloppy with Excel. They also can’t post anything where Clippy inserts himself where he doesn’t belong—which is bad news for Clippy. He could use the work.
While your dreams of profiting from sexual scenarios starring your favorite iconic sticks have been frustrated, CNN makes no mention of either Swift or Microsoft buying any other new domains—for example, “.sucks,” which many corporations have rejected picking up simply because they “don’t like to be associated with anything that’s really negative.” So while, TaylorSwift.porn might not be available, according to the list of domains soon to be released, you could still maybe get:
TaylorSwift.Apartments: For your block of apartments that you are lying about belonging to Taylor Swift, thus pinning all its repair needs on her.
TaylorSwift.Helsinki: For your fan fiction about the time you and Taylor Swift went to Helsinki. You saw a reindeer farm!
TaylorSwift.Theater: For your black-box theatre where you stage experimental one-man shows about Taylor Swift, mixed with characters from your own difficult childhood.
TaylorSwift.Tube: For photos of the tube you found that kind of looks like Taylor Swift.
TaylorSwift.Stroke: For survivors of Taylor Swift-induced strokes.
TaylorSwift.Dad: Happy Father’s Day.
TaylorSwift.Song: You don’t need this one.
TaylorSwift.Fans: Probably also unnecessary.
TaylorSwift.Wow: For pondering the surreality that is this modern confluence of human and corporate entity, where words must be bought at a price of $2,500 apiece, just so they can’t be affixed to our names and transformed into digital misrepresentations of our being for exploitation and profit, and also for pictures of Taylor Swift looking gorgeous.
Taylor Swift.Connectors: For the hard-to-find cables and adaptors required to keep your Taylor Swift running.
TaylorSwift.Storage: For all your Taylor Swift-storage needs.
TaylorSwift.MutualFunds: For planning for your financial future by squatting on a bunch of Taylor Swift domains and waiting for her to buy them back from you.
TaylorSwift.DDS: For scheduling appointments and cleanings.
TaylorSwift.Sex: Oh, she should maybe buy this one also.