Sorry, scientists, we refuse to believe your crop of bomb-sniffing wi-fi spinach is real

Nice try, eggheads. You really thought last year’s absurdity wore us down enough to just blindly believe anything you told us, didn’t you? Thought you’d kick a tired nation while it’s down, huh? Well, listen up, buckos: We call bullshit on your new crop of bomb-sniffing wi-fi spinach.

According to multiple outlets, researchers at MIT have developed a way to integrate nanotechnology into spinach leaves, transforming the plants into underground chemical sensors capable of then transmitting collected data back to humanity.

Haha. Sure thing, brainiacs.

“When the spinach roots detect the presence of nitroaromatics in groundwater, a compound often found in explosives like landmines, the carbon nanotubes within the plant leaves emit a signal. This signal is then read by an infrared camera, sending an email alert to the scientists,” explains a piece at EuroNews regarding the healthy, telepathic source of vitamin C, a concept we unilaterally refuse to believe on principle.

Okay, fine. Just for the sake of argument, we’ll humor this “news” a bit longer. Sure, these developments could usher in a whole new world of “plant nanobionics” useful in ongoing, vital climate change research and environmental monitoring. It could help things, but it won’t. Because a bunch of plant dorks are apparently trying to pull a fast one on us, and we’re too jaded to believe their folate-laden falsities.

“Plants are very environmentally responsive. They know that there is going to be a drought long before we do,” Professor Michael Strano told EuroNews. “They can detect small changes in the properties of soil and water potential. If we tap into those chemical signaling pathways, there is a wealth of information to access.”

Whatever you say, Professor Mike.

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