In the dubious tradition of Cops: Too Hot For TV and Jerry Springer: Too Hot For TV comes Spring Break Uncensored, a web-marketed videotape touting spring-break material that "MTV won't show you." If ever there was a time to be thank-ful for the discriminating taste of the network that brought us Celebrity Deathmatch and Dead At 21, it's now. Spring Break Uncensored is apparently supposed to be fun, but it's wrist-slittingly depressing. Seemingly filmed with one video camera, it follows various college-age revelers during their spring-break activities, which include excessive drinking, piercings, gratuitous genital display, drinking, branding, tattoos, and also drinking. A stirring testimony to the appeal of eugenics programs, the Bosch-like hellscape presented in Spring Break Uncensored puts the "sub" back in "cretinous, overprivileged subhumans." There's something dizzyingly wrong with watching someone complain about police harassment after being arrested for participating in a beachside simulated-sex contest, or listening to someone whose main concern in life seems to be her inability to get her nipples pierced before having her breasts enlarged. If all this sounds voyeuristically thrilling, think again; even the healthiest libidos will be challenged by what's possibly the least erotic display of naked flesh since Schindler's List. Vacuous hosts with a yen for spanking their camera subjects don't transform the mirthless "fun" into anything better. The post-credits scrawl promises a sequel soon. Pray for rain.