Once the realm of perfumers, designers, and Elizabeth Taylor, the fragrance department has become the domain of celebrities—some at the height of their (however dubious) fame, others desperately trading on the tiniest scraps of notoriety. Does stardom have a scent? What about reality-TV or soap-opera stardom? The A.V. Club takes a whiff.
Orange County Choppers
Full Throttle Men's Cologne
Cologne manufacturers have traditionally spritzed their products in the direction of suits (Trump), cowboys (Stetson), or sailors (Canoe). Full Throttle targets the long-overlooked biker market. And who better embodies the sweaty, angry biker than Paul and Paul, the father-and-son motorcycle-repair team from Discovery Channel's American Chopper? No, really, can anyone think of anyone better?
Description: "A refreshing, masculine scent. Your Road… your Rules!"
Most likely to be purchased by: Self-described "bad boys" and the women who shop with them at K-Mart.
Smells like: A clean, shiny new carburetor. With notes of citrus.
Should smell like: Paul Sr.'s overgrown handlebar moustache, Paul Jr.'s desperate need for his father's approval.
Cumming: The Fragrance
Like much of Alan Cumming's work, Cumming: The Fragrance is tongue-in-cheek. The men's cologne is meant to be a light, airy send-up of the perfume industry as a whole, but it can get a little confusing. Those nude black-and-white photos of Alan Cumming lining the interior of the box? They're parodies of perfume ads. The ridiculous description of the cologne's heady bouquet at cummingthefragrance.com? It's satirical. The cigar-and-scotch-tinged scent itself? It's also a joke, of course. A joke that can be dabbed behind the ears and costs $69 a bottle.
Description: "A fragrance designed to be sexy, for people who want to be sexy. Love being yourself. Why limit?"
Most likely to be purchased by: Alan Cumming, Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Smells like: Dirt, stale whiskey, rubber, more dirt.
Should smell like: Quirkiness, charming arrogance, hair gel, more quirkiness.
Donald Trump: The Fragrance
Real-estate tycoon and Apprentice raison d'être Donald Trump already has his own line of bottled water (Trump Ice), so really, it was only a matter of time before someone asked him to lend his name to another overpriced item: men's cologne. Naturally, the bottle is a miniature version of Trump's angular, golden skyscrapers. Who wouldn't want to smell like a building?
Description: "Power in a bottle. Inspired by the man who demands the best–and achieves it."
Most likely to be purchased by: Aspiring contestants on The Apprentice, middle managers.
Smells like: Cucumber, with a hint of wet moss.
Should smell like: The indoor waterfall cascading down the lobby's tastefully gold-plated walls.
Paris Hilton
Eau De Parfum
The Paris Hilton fragrance is historic in many ways. It's the first perfume to sincerely try to capture the essence of a socialite/amateur porn star/reality-TV actress. It's also the first perfume to add the aroma of air to its smooth cocktail of scents. ("Wet Ozone" is listed as one of the key ingredients, along with "Peach Nectar," "Frozen Apple," and "Skin Musk.") But, most importantly, the perfume provides a much-needed apex to Paris Hilton's overexposure. It's all pathetic CD singles, supporting roles in lackluster horror movies, and sad-chihuahua clothing lines from here.
Description: "Share a bit of the magic that is Paris Hilton. Find out what it smells like to be a Star."
Most likely to be purchased by: Thirteen-year-olds who already have boyfriends, anyone feeling nostalgic for the hot-pink packaging of Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth perfume.
Smells like: A clean, crisp walk past Wet Seal, then Old Navy, and straight through to the other end of the mall.
Should smell like: Us Weekly.
All My Children
Enchantment Perfume
Once a fictional creation of All My Children characters Kendall Hart and Greenlee Lavery (yes, those are their real fake names), the Enchantment perfume successfully seeped through the television screen and onto Wal-Mart shelves nationwide. Now viewers can experience for themselves what a phony perfume created by a phony cosmetics company really smells like! Or they can push their cart on to Housewares.
Description: "A fragrance so alluring, it's pure enchantment."
Most likely to be purchased by: Soap Opera Digest collectors, other shut-ins.
Smells like: Musk, spices, grandmothers.
Should smell like: Dust, heat, glass, other scents associated with sitting too close to the television.