Stephen Colbert assesses Trump AG and time-traveling Bigfoot penis-toilet pitchman Matthew Whitaker

Oh, would that that were just a funny
headline. Well, at least a funny headline not 100 percent based in the truth
that the acting Attorney General of the United States is a flim-flam artist
with a long and documented history of shilling for giant penis toilets and
Bigfoot parties. Oh, and time-travel. As Stephen Colbert put it in his
Wednesday Late Show monologue, there are serious questions about Matthew Whitaker’s
appointment to the highest law enforcement position in the land. It may be
illegal, he definitely has called for only Christians to serve as
judges, and then there’s that whole “clearly picked by Donald Trump because
he’s all about shutting down the Robert Mueller investigation into Donald
Trump” thing. “Now, before we go any further,” admonished a solemn Colbert after unveiling
the Wednesday Washington Post
headline ‘Matthew Whitaker is steeped in time travel and Bigfoot,’ “I just want
to say there is serious debate over to whether Whitaker’s appointment is
unconstitutional and might obstruct justice. But tonight, Daddy don’t give a
damn—I wanna talk about time-travelin’ Bigfoot man!”

Barely able to contain himself over
yet another Trump associate whose bountiful corruption and lunacy just keeps on
givin’, Colbert outlined the claims, inventions, and penis-protecting invention
work of World Patent Marketing, a now-shuttered business for which Whittaker
was a paid advisor and hot tub pitchman. At least until it was shut down for
defrauding its admittedly gullible investors for over $26 million. (Which,
again admittedly, is a million less than Donald Trump himself had to pay to
students of his fraudulent Trump University, so Whitaker’s a million up on that
one.) And you’d better believe that Whitaker wasn’t just hawking hot tubs
before being thrust into the nation’s top cop spot, as his company also claimed
to have DNA proof of the existence of Bigfoot, proposed it was right on the
cusp of investing time travel, and, just because the comedy gods are kind to
Stephen Colbert, patented an extra-deep toilet (“the masculine toilet”) for
dudes whose pendulous junk is so long, it gets dunked every time they poop. As
Colbert noted, if your penis requires the extra 12” of distance between the rim
and water in your toilet, you might need medical attention. That or [dramatic
turn to camera three] “You’re Bigfoot!” Colbert also unveiled a version of
World Patent Marketing’s time-travel pitch video that hinted that Trump may
have really responded to a guy who could promise both Mueller-erasing time
travel and the cool, porcelain reassurance of an unnecessarily deep
wang-toilet. And Bigfoot. We’re doomed.