Stephen Colbert puts Paul Rudd through his paces before naming him America's sexiest good boy

With People magazine handing over announcement duties for this year’s vaunted “Sexiest Man Alive” cover feature to Stephen Colbert, at least we could be assured that the vitally unimportant race would have a funnier than usual finish this year. Comprising two entire segments on Tuesday’s Late Show, Colbert’s unveiling of the one magazine’s consensus fairest boy in the land, Colbert was positioned as the sole “official sexiness adjudicator,” bringing in one final candidate, in the affable, suspiciously ageless Paul Rudd.

Of course, this wasn’t a charmingly dewy competition, and Colbert, prepping for the interview, prayed to former sexiness gods Matthew McConaughey, Idris Elba, and Ryan Reynolds for divinely sexy guidance before ushering Rudd into his office at the LSSC Sexiness Research Institute. (Notably absent from Colbert’s pantheon was Blake Shelton, because that never happened.) After administering the Sexiest Man Alive oath to Rudd (who, indeed, pledged to remain both sexy and a man for the entirety of the coming year), Colbert showed the potential sexy man that this was no joke. Or maybe it was, but, still, a lot of people (and pop culture sites) pay attention to this sort of thing, so Colbert spent a grueling 20 minutes quizzing, probing, and prodding Rudd, all in service of our national need to rank people by their physical attributes for our collective gawking needs.

Rudd, currently edging into more creepy than sexy territory as The Shrink Next Door, was in it to win it, submitting to every one of judge Colbert’s battery of increasingly invasive tests. Sure, one finger in the mouth is sexy, but can Rudd get his whole fist in there? Is Rudd’s revealed “big pinkie” toe going to cost him the crown? (Luckily, “honesty” about having two big toes on one foot overcomes Colbert’s dry-heaving visceral reaction.) And anybody can be a sexy construction worker for a photo shoot, but could Paul Rudd pull off the much tougher sexy monk? (We already know Rudd’s got the dance moves, so no problem there.) And that’s all before Colbert put on the leash for some serious Westminster-style haunches inspection (and the odd surprise tummy zerbert). Clearly, for both Colbert and Rudd, this was some serious, not at all farcical business.

Ultimately, Colbert, bringing in his entire team of comeliness researchers for backup, had to reveal to the hopeful Rudd that, as impossibly well-preserved and MCU-toned the somehow 52-year-old actor might be, he just wasn’t People’s Sexiest Man material. Rudd, no stranger to losing awards graciously, hid his obviously broken, insufficiently sexy heart well, thanking Colbert and his sexy-seeking team for the opportunity—all before his bravely defeated walkaway was halted by Colbert’s slow clap. “Why are you slow-clapping?,” asked the daring-to-hope Rudd, before the confetti rained down and Colbert bestowed the official Sexiest Man Alive sash to the thunderstruck Rudd.

“There’s nothing sexier than humility!,” exclaimed an emotional Colbert, capping off his Willy Wonka-style fake out by telling the Ant- and now Sexiest Man, ‘That was the last test—and you passed, Paul, you passed!” For Rudd, clearly all the sexy slouching, and the drenched T-shirt dancing, and the occasional anal inspections were worth it, as this year’ Sexiest Man Alive was finally and officially objectified in a celebrity magazine for our pleasure. And, hey, since Paul Rudd will never grow even one day older, maybe, just maybe, he can hold onto his title forever… and ever… and ever…