Who knows what sort of craziness 2017 has yet to fling at us, but so far the airing of right-wing radio host/performance artist/sentient Truck Nut Alex Jones’ dirty laundry—most of which, it must be noted, he already voluntarily aired on the internet—is a solid contender for our top 10 rubbernecking moments of the year. Jones is currently in the midst of a custody trial in Austin, Texas, where his ex-wife is arguing that he is not mentally stable enough to care for children and he is countering by calling himself the “No. 1 meme” and claiming that billionaires are lobotomizing the American people by making our weed too strong.
But that’s not all that’s going on in the world of Alex Jones. He’s also being sued by Greek yogurt company Chobani (sounds suspiciously foreign, if you ask us) over a video Jones posted on April 11 claiming that Chobani was spreading “crime and tuberculosis” in the Idaho town that plays host to its yogurt plant by hiring refugees to work there. And, naturally, Stephen Colbert’s newest straight-faced right-wing nutjob parody, gravelly-voiced radio host Tuck Buckford, had something to say about that.
After a monologue where Colbert warns Jones’ fans that “he just volunteered you to fistfight a yogurt factory,” Tuck steps in to skewer Jones’ other recent, totally mentally stable claim that he had had sex with 150 women by the time he was 16 years old, “and that’s a conservative estimate.” Tuck Buckford will take your 150, Alex, and raise you “kissing time” with 22,000 women by the time he was 13—all thanks to his Snoopy-drawing skills.
That’s just a prelude, however, to Buckford’s epic takedown of the “illumi-Chobani.” According to Tuck, George Soros is hiding the truth about the fermented breakfast food—that it’s “a natural gamma ray shield to keep the Clinton foundation from reading your dreams.” So wake up, sheeple, and smear yogurt on your foreheads (no fruit flavors, though, they have too much to hide) to keep your thoughts safe from the reptilian global dairy elite. Here, we’ve got proof: