Summer! The weather is hot, but the movies are even hotter! It's blockbuster time at the box office, and the only thing running higher than the temperature is the excitement over this year's new bumper crop of… Oh, who are we trying to kid? It's another summer-movie season, same as the last. Everything looks shiny as April turns into May, but by the time August draws to a close, most of the big summer movies will be forgotten or remembered only with shudders.
Sound unfair? Probably. But with the wounds of Catwoman, Exorcist: The Beginning, and King Arthur still fresh, isn't it best to be cautiously pessimistic? In that spirit, The Onion A.V. Club presents our hopeful but none-too-enthused guide to the summer to come.
may 13
Unleashed
Director: Louis Leterrier
Cast: Jet Li, Morgan Freeman, Bob Hoskins
Causes for excitement: What could be more awesome than having Li play a dog-collared slave that crime boss Hoskins has trained to attack his enemies? How about having Li escape, then learn to channel his violence into music with the help of blind piano teacher Freeman? That kind of nutzoid plot twist has got cult-classic potential.
Probable cause for disappointment: This is a Luc Besson production, scripted by Besson. The French action auteur and his stable of directors have a tendency to bury potentially cool premises beneath slapstick style, excessive violence, and forced bonhomie. Too much self-awareness could kill the fun.
may 19
Star Wars: Episode III–Revenge Of The Sith
Director: George Lucas
Cast: Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor, R2D2
Causes for excitement: The by-all-appearances-final entry in the Star Wars series, Revenge Of The Sith looks like it's drawing the saga to its conclusion–or at least its midpoint–in high style. The trailer looks thrilling and dark, more Empire Strikes Back than Phantom Menace, and the film appears to be loaded with Wookies. And who doesn't love Wookies? No one lining up for this movie, that's for sure.
Probable cause for disappointment: Early viewers have complained about the notable lack of sexual chemistry between Natalie Portman and Chewbacca. Also, the film appears to be light on Jar Jar Binks, the lovable, funny-talking man-imp who burrowed into our hearts back in 1999. Will no one shake George Lucas by the shoulders and demand he return to the series' core elements: fart jokes, gratuitous pratfalls, and thinly veiled ethnic humor?
may 27
The Longest Yard
Director: Peter Segal
Cast: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds
Causes for excitement: The original 1974 version of The Longest Yard, a seriocomic story about a prison football team led by an ex-NFL star, helped make Burt Reynolds one of the world's biggest stars. This remake casts Adam Sandler in the Reynolds part, and should be an ideal spotlight for the acting chops he usually reserves for movies about lonely men repressing their anger. Rounding out the cast: Chris Rock, James Cromwell, Reynolds himself, and Nelly.
Probable cause for disappointment: When Robert Aldrich directed the original, his filmography included Kiss Me Deadly, What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?, and The Dirty Dozen. Peter Segal's credits include Anger Management, Tommy Boy, and Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, which suggests that this remake may lack some of the original's satirical bite. Also, the cast list includes Rob Schneider in the part of "Punky." Great.
Madagascar
Director: Eric Darnell and Tom McGrath
Cast: Voices of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett Smith
Causes for excitement: Dreamworks' new computer-animated film about a group of zoo-animal friends who accidentally get themselves shipped from New York City back to "the wild" has it all: Cute talking animals, a lively premise, and a cast of comedians including Cedric The Entertainer and Da Ali G Show's Sacha Baron Cohen. Also, as an animated character, Ben Stiller has no opportunity to do his increasingly irritating hapless pity-me-I'm-harmless-and-sensitive shtick.
Probable cause for disappointment: Unlike other Dreamworks CGI projects like Antz and Shark Tale, this one doesn't seem to have a clear antecedent in a Pixar movie. How could that possibly work out well? Hey Dreamworks… Pixar's next movie is Cars. Where are the cars in Madagascar, huh? Huh?
june 3
Cinderella Man
Director: Ron Howard
Cast: Russell Crowe, Renée Zellweger, Paul Giamatti
Causes for excitement: That Russell Crowe sure can act! Here, he plays a Depression-era boxer who overcomes heaping handfuls of hard luck to become the people's champion. It's Seabiscuit with boxing gloves! Zellweger plays Crowe's wife; Giamatti plays his manager. They sure can act too.
Probable cause for disappointment: That Ron Howard sure can… well, wait, can he? It's hard to quibble with a Best Director Oscar (for A Beautiful Mind, which also starred Crowe), and Howard's résumé is full of entertaining crowd-pleasers like Splash and Apollo 13. But he can be pretty ham-fisted too, and this might be the kind of uplifting hokum that he punches up until it swells.
Lords Of Dogtown
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Cast: Heath Ledger, Emile Hirsch, John Robinson
Causes for excitement: Stacy Peralta's funky 2001 documentary Dogtown And Z-Boys chronicled the rise and fall of the 1970s' legendary Zephyr skating team (which just happened to feature a plucky young gent what went by the handle Stacy Peralta). Cinema's foremost chronicler of Dogtown, its Lords, and also its Z-Boys, Peralta wrote the script for Lords Of Dogtown (in addition to handling the sure-to-be-crucial role of "Charlie's Angels Director"), but handed off real-life directing chores to Catherine Hardwicke, whose Thirteen paid loving homage to the Reefer Madness school of hysterical kidsploitation.
Probable cause for disappointment: If Hardwicke follows her Thirteen template, she'll twist the skateboarder's story into a shrill, reactionary cautionary tale about drugged-up, decadent, oversexed youngsters wallowing in a bleary moral abyss.
june 10
The Honeymooners
Director: John Schultz
Cast: Cedric The Entertainer, Mike Epps, Regina Hall
Causes for excitement: Judging from the trailer, it appears that The Honeymooners, a remake of the classic Jackie Gleason sitcom, was shot entirely in focus, with actors who remained wholly in character throughout, and memorized their lines. Also, uh, Cedric The Entertainer is entertaining, right? It's right there in his name.
Probable cause for disappointment: The original Dawn Of The Dead's slogan warned that when hell ran out of room, the dead would walk the earth. The Honeymooners similarly sends out the dire warning that when Hollywood finally runs out of straight adaptations of classic television shows, it will start making race-reversed adaptations of classic TV shows.
Howl's Moving Castle
Director: Hayao Miyazaki
Cast: Voices of Christian Bale, Lauren Bacall, Billy Crystal
Causes for excitement: Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki has been the prime mover behind some of his country's most wonderful movies, including Spirited Away, My Neighbor Totoro, and Princess Mononoke. British author Diana Wynne Jones was writing terrific, adult-accessible kids' books about young witches, warlocks, and magic 20 years before Harry Potter was a gleam in J.K. Rowling's eye. Miyazaki's animated adaptation of Jones' stellar novel about a wandering wizard and a young girl changed into an old lady looks gorgeous, and has a great original story to match.
Probable cause for disappointment: Disney just doesn't seem to get Miyazaki's sweet and simple charm; their English dub tracks of his movies have been hit-and-miss, largely due to their need to throw in big names with stridently cartoony voices (Billy Crystal, anyone?), and occasionally to dumb the scripts down for American kids, who are apparently stupider than their Japanese counterparts. Also, Disney dubbed a whole bunch of fart jokes into Howl's Moving Castle. Okay, not really, but you just know they would have if they could have gotten away with it.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Director: Doug Liman
Cast: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie
Causes for excitement: Pitt and Jolie are two of Hollywood's best-looking stars, and as members of America's attractive community, they have a responsibility to give back to the rest of us, if necessary by making cartoony action-comedies about a husband-and-wife pair of assassins assigned to rub each other out. If they want to provide some offscreen entertainment by touching off rumors of home-wrecking affairs, all the better.
Probable cause for disappointment: Alleged scandal-sheet romances often leave viewers scanning the screen for chemistry, not plot. Also, Liman's work on Go and The Bourne Identity have shown him to be somewhat of a literalist, perhaps unsuited to a balance of whimsy, romance, and violence. Plus he's never really had to manage superstar egos. Expect a lot of close-ups.
june 15
Batman Begins
Director: Christopher Nolan
Cast: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman
Causes for excitement: Fans who were let down by an increasingly craptastic run of over-the-top Batman films are hoping Memento director Christopher Nolan will get it right with this back-to-basics take on the hero's story. A promising cast–from Michael Caine as Alfred to Gary Oldman as Commissioner Gordon to Ken Watanabe as Ra's Al Ghul–has the comics geeks geeking appropriately.
Probable cause for disappointment: The Batman origin story has been done so many times that it's going to be hard to put a fresh spin on things without departing from the geeks' beloved canon. And the shoehorned-in romantic subplot will doubtless lower the explosions-per-minute ratio considerably, possibly even cutting into Christian Bale's angsty rooftop-posing time.
june 22
Herbie: Fully Loaded
Director: Angela Robinson
Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Michael Keaton, Matt Dillon
Causes for excitement: Herbie: Fully Loaded screenwriters Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon are reliably funny on Reno 911! Also, Herbie's subtitle takes on all manner of cheeky double meanings in light of the hard-partying Lohan's tabloid travails. Besides, Herbie: Fully Loaded is attempting to satiate the public's bottomless hunger for anthropomorphic automobile-themed humor, a need that hasn't been adequately filled since Herbie tragically "went bananas" in 1980.
Probable cause for disappointment: Can Lohan truly be said to possess the raw sexual charisma of a young Dean Jones? Also, Lennon and Garant's other screenplay credits include The Pacifier and Taxi.
june 24
Bewitched
Director: Nora Ephron
Cast: Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell, Michael Caine
Causes for excitement: What a cast! Apparently, no one was told that Bewitched is based on a frivolous TV sitcom, because the performers are vastly overqualified from top to bottom. Ferrell can improvise laughs out of thin air, Kidman proved herself a winning comedian in Moulin Rouge, Caine and Shirley MacLaine are seasoned comic hands, and the supporting cast includes Rushmore's Jason Schwartzman and Daily Show correspondents Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell. What could go wrong?
Probable cause for disappointment: Nora Ephron knows comedy like Alan Greenspan knows arena football. With her output in the past decade–You've Got Mail, Lucky Numbers, Mixed Nuts, and Michael–Ephron has logged precisely 426 minutes of footage without managing so much as a chuckle, even with pros like Tom Hanks, John Travolta, and Steve Martin in the lead roles. It takes a special talent to suck the laughs out of can't-miss material like Bewitched, and Ephron seems up for the task.
Land Of The Dead
Director: George Romero
Cast: John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Asia Argento
Causes for excitement: George Romero. Zombies. What more needs saying? Imitators come and go, but there's nothing quite like Romero's trademark blend of visceral horror and social satire, and the time feels right for a new installment in his signature series. Also, Dennis Hopper seems to be playing a nutcase. That's always cool.
Probable cause for disappointment: Sure, this is George Romero's first zombie film since 1985's Day Of The Dead, but it's not like he's been burning up the screen with great movies since then. The justly little-seen 2000 film Bruiser was his first in years, following up the none-too-spectacular The Dark Half and Monkey Shines. And, wait a minute, was Day Of The Dead really any good, or is it revered only because it fills out a trilogy with its classic predecessors?
june 29
War Of The Worlds
Director: Steven Spielberg
Cast: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning
Causes for excitement: Spielberg ranks as one of America's most dependable commercial filmmakers, and he seems like a natural to take on War Of The Worlds. That Cruise kid has scored a few box-office successes in his day as well. Early reports indicate that the filmmakers went all-out to make the film as spectacular as possible, even going so far as to spend thousands of dollars buying fancy computers that can conjure up beasties and aliens and bugaboos that don't actually exist.
Probable cause for disappointment: Then again, the teaming of Spielberg and Tom Hanks didn't seem too shabby either, and The Terminal didn't exactly wow critics or audiences. Besides, is America finally getting sick of Tom Cruise? It probably should.
july 8
Dark Water
Director: Walter Salles
Cast: Jennifer Connelly, Tim Roth, John C. Reilly
Causes for excitement: Adapting a Hideo Nakata-directed Japanese horror film worked out well for The Ring. Dark Water tries to make it work again, putting The Motorcycle Diaries director Walter Salles on the story of a single mom whose new home may be under siege by ghostly water. Sounds scary, and the presence of both Connelly and Salles suggest this could be several cuts above the standard horror film.
Probable cause for disappointment: The whole J-horror aesthetic is starting to feel exhausted, and Dark Water will have to dig deeper than creepy-eyed children and the-ghost-is-hanging-out-behind-your-right-ear sound design to make an impact.
Fantastic Four
Director: Tim Story
Cast: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon
Causes for excitement: While comics franchises like Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, and the X-Men have all managed multiple big-screen outings, the only Fantastic Four movie to date has been a 1994 contractual-obligation outing that never officially saw the light of day. Given the characters' showy powers and the current level of special-effects technology, the Fantastic Four seem like perfect subjects for a splashy summer action blockbuster.
Probable cause for disappointment: Tim Story's last directorial project was the Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah vehicle Taxi. The Fantastic Four trailers to date make it look like he's still trying to mix lowbrow comedy and action, and not doing a great job with either. Also, there's no sign of the loveable robot H.E.R.B.I.E., which replaced the Human Torch in the 1978 animated Fantastic Four series.
july 15
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory
Director: Tim Burton
Cast: Johnny Depp, a bunch of kids
Causes for excitement: Roald Dahl's surreal, giddy children's book about an eccentric chocolatier, plus Tim Burton's surreal, giddy production aesthetic, equals a match made in heaven. And Burton will presumably have the sense not to bog down his version with turgid songs and an overlong prologue, like the 1971 film version did.
Probable cause for disappointment: Behold the terror of Planet Of The Apes syndrome. Given Burton's boundless and bizarre imagination, and the aesthetic successes of original films like Big Fish, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, and Ed Wood, it's disappointing that he so often lets himself get caught up in gratuitous remakes and franchise entries that limit his story sensibility. Still, if this doesn't work out, there's always his Corpse Bride (with still more Johnny Depp) later this year.
Wedding Crashers
Director: David Dobkin
Cast: Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Rachel McAdams
Causes for excitement: A comedy about a couple of guys who crash wedding receptions to hit on women weakened by champagne and the romantic mood, Wedding Crashers will have plenty of time for laughs until the men inevitably learn the true meaning of love and the movie turns to goo. Having worked with Wilson on Shanghai Knights, Dobkin should know that the best strategy is to stay out of Wilson's way and let him single-handedly elevate a wafer-thin script into a fitfully amusing time-waster. Wilson's love interest Rachel McAdams melted more than a few hearts in last summer's The Notebook, and if Wedding Crashers turns out to be a long flashback dictated to someone with Alzheimer's, she's certain to melt them all over again.
Probable cause for disappointment: Wilson and Vaughn are laid-back cutups who are usually at their best when paired with actors like Ben Stiller or Jon Favreau–high-strung types who bounce their neuroses off Wilson and Vaughn's unflappable cool. And with all the random bits of business tossed into Hollywood comedies these days–Vaughn's last summer comedy, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, had a character who acted like a pirate for some reason–they're all doomed to mediocrity.
july 22
Bad News Bears
Director: Richard Linklater
Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Marcia Gay Harden, Greg Kinnear
Causes for excitement: Linklater made the transition to blockbuster populism fairly smoothly with School Of Rock, and this quintessential tale of misfits making good is right in his thematic kitchen, since so many of his movies are about how people work together to accomplish what an individual can't. Thornton is an inspired choice to play the drunken Little League coach that Walter Matthau played in the original. He can do "grumpy and exhausted" about as well as anybody.
Probable cause for disappointment: Do we need another remake of a '70s classic? Can '00s-style vulgarity match the more poetic earthiness of 30 years ago? Doesn't this crack creative team have anything better to do?
The Island
Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou
Causes for excitement: Breaking away from evil mentor/puppetmaster Jerry Bruckheimer for the first time, Bay (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor) takes on the hot-button issue of human cloning, giving audiences reason to scratch their chins as they're being pounded by loud, thrillingly incoherent action sequences. McGregor and Johansson are playing clones who try to escape a system designed to "harvest" them for spare parts, and they have too much integrity as artists to sign onto a dumb commercial project for mercenary reasons. Right?
Probable cause for disappointment: Heady science fiction from Michael Bay? Pfft. Only those who consider Pearl Harbor an austere, sobering account of America's darkest day instead of a vulgar excuse for star-fucking and blowing up ships will purchase that bill of goods. And after the Robert De Niro/Greg Kinnear laugher Godsend, the bar for human cloning movies has been set too high.
july 29
The Brothers Grimm
Director: Terry Gilliam
Cast: Matt Damon, Heath Ledger, Jonathan Pryce
Causes for excitement: In spite of famously bad luck and more messily aborted projects than anyone this side of Orson Welles, Terry Gilliam remains one of film's most audacious and imaginative voices, and the fictionalized story of the Brothers Grimm seems perfectly suited to his demented vision, extravagant visual mastery, and warped humor.
Probable cause for disappointment: The pagan gods of Hollywood despise Terry Gilliam and everything he stands for, and will stop at nothing to destroy his directorial career. (See also: every movie he's ever made.)
Sky High
Director: Mike Mitchell
Cast: Kurt Russell, Kelly Preston, Michael Angarano
Causes for excitement: It's a worried-parent story with a twist, as superheroes Russell and Preston wonder whether their misfit adolescent kid will ever develop any powers. This has the potential to be both spoofy and sweet, and the concept of a "hero high school" could be hilariously clever. Superheroes can be both funny and poignant, as The Incredibles so recently proved.
Probable cause for disappointment: Didn't The Incredibles so recently prove all this? What could the director of Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and Surviving Christmas possibly add?
Stealth
Director: Rob Cohen
Cast: Jamie Foxx, Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel
Causes for excitement: It's a movie about a super-advanced robotic fighter plane that turns on its masters, it's directed by the guy who made XXX, and it stars the love interest of Sweet Home Alabama. Those all qualify as causes for excitement, no?
Probable cause for disappointment: Answer: No.
august 5
The Dukes Of Hazzard
Director: Jay Chandrasekhar
Cast: Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Jessica Simpson
Causes for excitement: Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg. Willie Nelson as Uncle Jesse. Waylon Jennings reprising his old Dukes Of Hazzard theme song. The '70s are coming alive again, tongue pretty firmly in cheek, courtesy of Jay Chandrasekhar of the Broken Lizard comedy troupe. Look for a lot of car-leaping, car-crashing, dynamite-arrow-shooting, short-shorts-wearing, yee-hawing action.
Probable cause for disappointment: The Duke boys with grungy facial hair? Jackass star Johnny Knoxville as Luke Duke? Stifler from American Pie as Bo Duke? It's almost like the people behind this film have no respect for the original TV series' clean-cut, all-American, good-ol'-boy way of life, not to mention its frequent-shirtlessness aesthetic. Do people really want to see a half-naked Seann William Scott totin' hay-bales?
The Pink Panther
Director: Shawn Levy
Cast: Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Beyoncé Knowles
Causes for excitement: There is no law forcing anyone to see it.
Probable cause for disappointment: It exists.
august 12
The Skeleton Key
Director: Iain Softley
Cast: Kate Hudson, Gena Rowlands, John Hurt
Causes for excitement: This stylish-looking supernatural thriller pits Almost Famous star Kate Hudson against New Orleans voodoo. Screenwriter Ehren Kruger was behind Gore Verbinski's stellar American adaptation of The Ring and Terry Gilliam's new film The Brothers Grimm, though to be fair, he also scripted Arlington Road, Scream 3, and The Ring Two. And Iain Softley was last seen directing K-Pax. Still, early trailers showcase an uncommonly pretty and propulsive horror flick.
Probable cause for disappointment: Surely no film that consigns John Hurt to lying paralyzed in bed, occasionally grunting and moaning, could have its priorities straight.
august 19
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Director: Judd Apatow
Cast: Steve Carell, Catherine Keener, Paul Rudd
Causes for excitement: After writing and producing Freaks And Geeks and Undeclared, two of the smartest TV comedies of the past decade, Apatow makes his feature debut with a promising concept: A coming-of-age sex comedy centered on a middle-aged virgin. Having Carell play the lead role in a major studio project is exciting enough, but casting doesn't get more inspired than hiring Catherine Keener to play a like-aged mother of three who premises her relationship with Carell on a mutual "no sex" policy.
Probable cause for disappointment: Brilliance on the small screen doesn't automatically translate to brilliance on the big one. Coming late in the summer, after the inevitable string of crushing disappointments, the failure of a sure-fire comedy like this one could lead to crippling disillusionment.
On the other hand, all this relentless negativity could be totally misplaced. Maybe this is the summer where everyone gets it right. The comedies will be filled with laughs, the thrillers filled with thrills, and the remakes of old TV shows not totally inconsequential. Yeah! Hooray for movies! Let's all go buy some tickets!