It really doesn't pay to spend much time rationalizing
why you shower your darling with sweets on Valentine's Day. Sure, you care, and
yes, sometimes it's nice to indulge, but it would be dishonest to ignore the
subtext: your hope that the post-goodie sugar high will disorient your loved
one long enough for him or her to overlook your faults and have sex with you.
Even if your syrupy bribe works, it doesn't mean the edible fun has to end. The
A.V. Club
recently discovered a bizarro pseudo-culinary market at the corner of "carnal"
and "confection."
Clone-A-Willy and Clone-A-Pussy chocolate
molding kits ($24.95)
Are candy hearts with the words "Be Mine" stamped
on them too ambiguous? Show that fuckable someone you mean business with a
chocolate replica of your genitals. Easy-to-follow, four-step directions will
have you serving notice of your intentions as fast as you can say "molding
tube." Those with allergies best be careful—the website warns that the
chocolate may contain traces of nuts.
Source: cloneawilly.com
Fizz Lubricant ($8.99)
Fizz is a soda-flavored lubricant that not only
"fizzes and tingles," but also comes in six different flavors, packaged in
soda-bottle-shaped containers. At first blush, it's attractive in a "soda's
always pretty good, so why not?" kind of way, but then again, some things should
never, ever taste like root beer.
Source: edenfantasys.com
Edible Bra ($3.50)
With no description beyond the product name, the
Edible Bra suggests many questions: Does one size fit all? What's it made of?
Does anyone truly desire to consume their significant other's undergarments?
Nonetheless, if you're looking for one of these units in the first place, those
answers probably don't matter. Available in cherry and strawberry-champagne.
Source: cybernooky.com
Wicked Wax edible massage oil candle ($12.98)
Remember the last time you were giving someone a
massage, you ran out of massage oil, and you wound up gazing longingly at the
candle next to the bed, wishing you could drip the wax on said massagee's back
and then eat it off? Well, now you can. This multi-purpose product promises to
bridge the annoying gaps between wax, oil, and deliciousness.
Source: sextoyparty.com
Love Potion No. 9 ($10.25)
Supposedly a few sneaky drops of this elixir in
your partner's drink will get his or her "fires of passion aroused," and
instill "sustained endurance and stimulation for romantic encounters." The fine
print warns that Love Potion's primary ingredient, kava kava root, has the
potential to cause severe liver problems. But who among us hasn't endangered
that vital organ in the name of sex?
Source: theherbalist.com
Sex Spice ($8.99)
Sex Spice arrives in a plastic spice shaker that
would be right at home on the rack next to the sesame seeds. Suggested uses
include sprinkling some on your body, lover, or sheets. Also excellent for
Julia Child or Paul Prudhomme role-playing.
Source: fascinations.net
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Fantasy Foam ($7.77)
Few phrases in the English language can flip a
stomach like "frothy discharge," but that's exactly what you're getting when
you lather up your lover with the consumable mess known as Fantasy Foam. Even
if it ends up being more sloppy than fun, sextoyarea.com will still give you 15
free minutes of pay-per-minute online adult videos with the purchase.
Source: sextoyarea.com
Kandie Kondoms ($4.99)
While condoms are available in pretty much every
shape, size, and color, their purpose always remains the same: to provide a
(hopefully) impenetrable to-and-fro barrier. Kandie Kondoms take the exact
opposite approach, and are specifically designed to disappear in your mouth. Or
wherever. They're a bit pricey at $5 a pop, so if you're on a budget, Fruit
Roll-Ups are probably just as wise a choice.
Source: ashleysextoys.com
Oral Sex Head candy ($9.95)
Oral Sex Head candy is shaped exactly like a football
mouth guard, and operates on the same general principles, with one key
difference—it's meant to provide protection from teeth instead of for them. This wonder product
also promises to help reduce jaw fatigue and prevent dry-mouth. The tradeoff?
You'll be sporting the steamy look of a sixth-grader in orthodontic headgear.
Source: bettersex.com
Tit Tax ($2)
If you're a douchebag, there are innumerable ways
to announce your douchebaggery to those around you. But you'd have to search a
very long time to find a clearer signal than carrying a box of breast-shaped
mints in your pocket.
Source: cantender.com
Lick Me Licker ($16.99)
My Beloved's Garden is a website that promises to
"provide a safe, non-pornographic place to shop for all your Christian sex toys
and romance needs while keeping Jesus at the center of your marriage." Fair
enough. Still, you may want to consider the Second Coming, and whether He'll
want to beam you up for eternity after learning so much about the flavored gels
you lap off each other's genitals.
Source: mybelovedsgarden.net