Having lamented the media’s attempts to turn her into a “fictional character” while she’s just trying to be a plain, imaginary 15-year-old girl for the purposes of marketing, Taylor Swift has announced that her new touring show will reflect the fact that she’s an ordinary adult person, not the “fairy princess” she’s played before. “I think that the visuals kind of portrayed on this tour will be, I guess, more grown-up and a little more mature than things we've done in the past,” said Swift, whose apartment is a “Tim Burton—Alice in Wonderland—pirate ship—Peter Pan” testament to being a grown-up.
Still, such childish things are probably behind her now: No doubt while aloofly swirling a lavender lemonade scotch and sitting in her newly redesigned, “Errol Morris—The Collected Works Of John Cheever—actuary’s office—one of those AIDS documentaries” apartment, Swift told MTV News to “expect the unexpected” from her upcoming dates, as this is how adults must embrace the stark inevitability of life, the cruel uncertainty that is its only certainty.
“I think on my previous albums and my previous tours I've really liked to operate in the element of fantasy and I think that this tour will incorporate a little more reality into the visuals, which is nice,” Swift added, though she didn’t elaborate on the nature of that “reality,” obviously not wanting to spoil the “element of surprise.” However, fans can hopefully look forward to songs such as “I Knew You Were Trouble” and “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” being accompanied by choreographed scenes of reality such as:
– Clowns and bunnies standing in line at a soup kitchen. A fight breaks out over the last slice of buttered Wonder Bread. A bunny gets its face slashed with a broken bottle.
– A unicorn going to a job interview. He doesn’t get it.
– A married couple attempting to have a child as a means of saving their relationship, only to have it all fall apart after a tragic miscarriage (represented by glitter).
– The genocide in Darfur (represented by glitter).
– Swift’s accountants preparing her tax returns in real time.
– A young woman finally reuniting with her estranged father, hoping to reconcile before it’s too late, but discovering to her anguish that he has Alzheimer’s. Taylor Swift plays acoustic guitar in a neighboring hospital bed. As the song ends, she smothers the father mercifully with a pillow.
– Taylor Swift standing at a podium licked by flames, casting all unhelpful women into hell. The damned scream as their slanderous mouths are cleaved in two.
– Grown-up kissing, maybe with tongue.
Which is nice.