Sure, teen sex comedies are all the rage, what with American Pie raking it in at the box office and inexplicably being treated like a lost Lubitsch masterpiece by critics, but it's important to remember that the boom is not without its share of martyrs—films that died slow, painful deaths so that the Varsity Blueses of the world could enjoy fruitful lives at the box office. Sure, She's All That was a big hit, but it was only treading the path Can't Hardly Wait had already paved for it. Had the forgettably titled Telling You been released in 1997 when it was made, it would have fit right in with such close-but-no-cigar made-too-early youth films as Mallrats, Dead Man On Campus, Empire Records, and Overnight Delivery. Thankfully, though, Telling You has been shelved for the past two years, allowing it to die a noble death as direct-to-video fodder. In addition to being made too early, Telling You has another thing in common with Overnight Delivery and Can't Hardly Wait: It's really boring in an extremely earnest fashion. Telling You is not, as its box would somewhat dishonestly indicate, a Jennifer Love Hewitt vehicle. It is, instead, a laughless, irritatingly earnest comedy-drama about a pair of recent college graduates (Dash Mihok of Slim Jim commercial fame and hunky Can't Hardly Wait star Peter Facinelli) who work at a pizza place and half-heartedly attempt to maintain the illusion that they don't work at a pizza place. Oh, and there's a magical homeless man played by Robert Libertini, who teaches Mihok an important lesson. It's all very, very ordinary coming-of-age fare, and it certainly doesn't help that Mihok and Facinelli are only a tiny bit more charismatic than the actual guys you'd expect to find working at a Long Island pizza place. Hollywood's favorite non-freaky it girl Hewitt, meanwhile, contributes little more than an extended cameo as Facinelli's ultra-perky ex-girlfriend. Although third-billed on the video box, young people's favorite Matthew Lillard similarly has little more than a cameo, although, to his credit, his brief turn as a freaked-out post-collegiate yuppie gives Telling You what little spark it does possess.