This morning, a press release went out announcing that SoCal escalator-funk legends Red Hot Chili Peppers have a new album called The Getaway coming out June 17 on Warner Bros. Records. (Here, you can pre-order it if you want.) But what really got The A.V. Club staff’s tube socks in a twist was the track listing for the album, which goes something like this:
The Getaway
1. The Getaway
2. Dark Necessities
3. We Turn Red
4. The Longest Wave
5. Goodbye Angels
6. Sick Love
7. Go Robot
8. Feasting On The Flowers
9. Detroit
10. This Ticonderoga
11. Encore
12. The Hunter
13. Dreams Of A Samurai
Holy shit. “Dreams Of A Samurai?!” First of all, if this song isn’t at least seven and a half minutes long, then Anthony Kiedis doesn’t condition his hair with some sort of weird horse placenta shampoo. (He totally does.) And speaking of Kiedis, what sort of linguistic kickflips will he be able to pull off in this masterpiece of nonsensical cultural appropriation? Our staffers had a few ideas, so now, dear readers, we present to you: The A.V. Club’s lyrics to “Dreams Of A Samurai.” Enjoy.
Met a sexy girl with kung fu thighs
Way down in San Bernadin-aye
She was using chopsticks, eatin’ cherry pie
Call her chop-socky Sally, she’ll sock it to you, guy
Bandai Band-Aid under one eye
Swattin’ away all those Japanese flies
Dreamin’ of samurai HUH!
[Chorus]
I think I know a guy
Let’s get up and fly
Never asked why
She’s a samurai
Got some Cajun fries at the Burbank Five Guys
And there she was, looking really high
She said oh, hello, mister twister Chiang Mai
But I didn’t say that was actually Thai
I didn’t want to get crucified
It don’t take no private eye
Just feudal Japan, home of samurai! HUH!
[Chorus]
My man Hunter Thompson was notoriously gonzo
My sword’s bigger than Hatori Hanzo’s
My girl Misako got a thousand followers
Don’t work at the circus but she’s a real sword swallower
My blade’s harder than Valyrian steel
Don’t you think it’s time to super size your meal?
[Chorus]
Squib-a-wib-a-bye, Squonk-a-donk-a-fly, Lucy in the sky, Wimp womp samurai (x 10)
(Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Lyrics: Rife/Adams/Modell/Eakin/McCown)