With the quality and convenience of DVD, plus widescreen televisions that boast images as crisp as a freshly minted dollar bill, air conditioning alone isn't enough to drive today's consumers to their local googolplexes. For the first time in decades, the movies have to be watchable, too, which is presenting Hollywood with its most formidable challenge since it tried to turn Gretchen Mol into the next big thing. Armed with the only materials necessary to make important movie-going decisions—plot synopses and occasionally trailers—the A.V. Club film staff has assembled this helpful guide to which spectacles must be seen among the text-messaging teens, and which ones might be better appreciated on the La-Z-Boy six months later.
MAY 11
28 Weeks Later
What it's about: This sequel to Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later tracks the attempt to repopulate and settle London after the zombie-creating virus of the first movie has supposedly been eradicated. Of course, if that turned out to be true, this would be a pretty dull film.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Horror films tend to be more effective in the theater, where it's impossible to pause in the middle of a shrieking zombie blood-feast and wander off for another bag of guacamole-flavored Doritos.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: The film features none of the original cast or crew, generally a dire sign in a sequel.
Possible special feature on that eventual DVD: The 28 Days Later DVD featured an alternate ending where one of the film's three survivors died. To top that, 28 Weeks Later needs a series of scenes where all the survivors die. Maybe the zombies should die too, and Earth could just explode in the end.
Delta Farce
What it's about: A trio of dumb-ass National Guardsmen (Larry The Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, and DJ Qualls) headed to Iraq are accidentally dropped in Mexico, which they mistake for a war zone. Such a quagmire might seem hopeless, but if anyone can engineer a desirable outcome in such a trying situation (or "Git-R-Done," as it were), it would of course be Qualls. And to a lesser extent, Larry The Cable Guy.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: The primal charisma and raw animal sexuality of Qualls, Engvall, and The Cable Guy can only be appreciated fully on the big screen. IMAX would be ideal, but the lesser screens at the local multiplex will have to do.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Do you really want to be seen in public shelling out for a movie starring Larry The Cable Guy? We didn't think so.
Possible special feature: Actual MRI footage conclusively showing audience members losing brain mass as they watch the film.
Georgia Rule
What it's about: After her latest screw-up, rebellious teenager Lindsay Lohan gets shipped off to Idaho, where her restrictive grandmother (Jane Fonda) looks to curb her wild ways. Basically, it's Black Snake Moan for the whole family.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Because in a summer loaded with expensive, CGI-driven blockbusters, great performances are the rarest of special effects.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Because you'll be too busy watching expensive, CGI-driven blockbusters to bother with a maudlin melodrama that would play just as well on television.
Possible special feature: The text of the threatening letter producer James G. Robinson wrote to Lohan about her "exhaustion" spells, accompanied by raw footage of the actress passed out in a pool of her own vomit at the Chateau Marmont.
MAY 18
Shrek The Third
What it's about: The CGI ogre voiced by Mike Myers returns to the cash well for another overflowing bucket of money.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: By the time it hits DVD, all the hottest spin-off merchandise will already be sold off and sitting forgotten in landfills.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Missing out on the chance to sit in the theater eating Snickers bars "with Shrek filling" is definitely the healthy option.
Possible special feature: Trailers for Shrek 4: You're Still Buying This, Huh? and Shrek 5: We Can Keep This Up All Decade If We Have To.
MAY 25
Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End
What it's about: Remember last summer, when Johnny Depp was dragged down to Davy Jones' locker, and Depp's motley crew employed ghost pirate Geoffrey Rush to help them track him down? In this installment, they'll probably track him down. (Also, presumably, the half-dozen other subplots will be resolved.)
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Where else will the spectacle of pirate ships on sand dunes and a cannon fight around a whirlpool look as smashing?
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: At home, you can't irritate everyone else in the theater by muttering, "Wait a minute, who's that guy again?" every 10 minutes.
Possible special feature: Timelines, maps, a concordance… whatever it takes to figure out exactly what the hell is going on.
Bug
What it's about: Ashley Judd plays a waitress who holes up in a run-down motel to escape her recently paroled ex-husband, but discovers a far more alarming bug infestation.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: William Friedkin's return to horror after The Exorcist—let's pretend his evil Druid tree movie The Guardian never happened—is by all early accounts an intense, skin-crawling experience.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Since it's based on a play and there's only one location, the claustrophobic feeling may translate better to the living room than to a cavernous theater.
Possible special feature: Though it doesn't quite replicate the feeling of having bugs crawling under your skin, every 10th DVD opened will result in a nasty outbreak of psoriasis. Will you be the lucky winner?
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JUNE 1
Knocked Up
What it's about: Writer-director Judd Apatow and his 40-Year-Old Virgin/Freaks And Geeks/Undeclared cohort Seth Rogen make the summer safe for slacker comedy again via this raunchy, riotous movie about Rogen's reaction to impending fatherhood (with Grey's Anatomy's Katherine Heigl as the mother).
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Advance word is that some of the sex and pregnancy scenes are disgustingly hilarious in a way that you'll want to share with hundreds of strangers in a darkened room.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: A 132-minute comedy might play better with frequent breaks to go to the can and/or get another beer.
Possible special feature: Knowing Apatow? The 182-minute version.
Hot Rod
What it's about: SNL's Andy Samberg plays a "self-proclaimed stuntman" who stages a tremendous stunt to raise money so his abusive step-dad can have a heart operation.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Frankly, it sounds too odd not to see in the theater. Also, Will Arnett's in it.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: In a post labeled "The next Freddy Got Fingered," IMDB.com user "KingHater" calls it a "BOMB." And that's in all caps, which makes it inherently more authoritative than lowercase.
Possible special feature: There's a better-than-good chance that Samberg and director Akiva Schaffer will contribute some digital shorts.
Mr. Brooks
What it's about: Kevin Costner plays a guy who's pretty nice except for two things: He's got a split personality (played by William Hurt) that wants him to kill people, and occasionally he listens to it.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Are you kidding? Costner! Hurt! Demi Moore! With that cast, you have to go! Oh, wait. Is it no longer 1992?
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Because if it sucks, you can always put in a Mel Brooks movie. That guy's hilarious!
Possible special feature: Co-star Dane Cook is rumored to be preparing Brooksgasm, a 10-part series of between-scenes japes, pranks, and cut-uppery that should rock, dude.
JUNE 8
Ocean's 13
What it's about: Steven Soderbergh desperately needs money to make more digital films with non-professional actors about glum Midwestern factory workers, so Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and a star-studded supporting cast are back as glamorous crooks forced to pull off another heist for wildly expectorating Oscar-winner Al Pacino.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Soderbergh knows how to make superior popcorn escapist fare, and Ocean's 13 promises a breezily enjoyable night out, provided it's nothing like his Ocean's 12.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: The behind-the-scenes bonus footage of the cast goofing around in exotic locales will probably be just as entertaining as the onscreen footage of popular movie stars goofing around in exotic locales.
Possible special feature: In a stunning audio-commentary confession, Soderbergh reveals that the Ocean's movies were actually directed by his little-known, mainstream-leaning identical twin Donald Soderbergh.
Surf's Up
What it's about: Shia LaBeouf voices an attitudinal surfing penguin in a CGI mockumentary about—oh dear—a group of wacky animals voiced by celebrities. (Jon Heder, Zooey Deschanel, James Woods, Jeff Bridges, and more.)
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: It'll look prettier on the big screen. And all those inevitable soundtrack-padding pop and hip-hop hits will sound better coming from the big-ass multiplex speakers.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: If you have kids, renting or buying a DVD is cheaper than buying a bunch of $10 movie tickets. If you don't have kids, renting or buying a DVD is less shameful than sitting alone and looking like a creep at an animated children's movie.
Possible special feature: Footage of the animators running up to the crew of Happy Feet at an animation awards festival, yelling "Yoink! Got your character designs!" and running away.
JUNE 15
Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer
What it's about: The cast of the 2005 it's-a-comic-book-movie-so-we-might-as-well-see-it hit Fantastic Four returns to face a plethora of formidable foes, including Dr. Doom (Julian McMahon), the Silver Surfer (voiced by Laurence Fishburne), and presumably the Surfer's boss, Galactus.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: The Silver Surfer effects look cool, and the first film at least had some chemistry between Human Torch Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis' The Thing.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: The mute button removes Jessica Alba's flat line-readings without eliminating her more immediately pleasing qualities.
Possible special feature: An audio commentary of Marvel fanboys bitching about the film's rumored decision to render Galactus as a giant cloud. Come on! He's the freaking Eater Of Worlds! A cloud? What the hell?
Nancy Drew
What it's about: The prim, anachronistic junior sleuth (Emma Roberts) gets a '00s makeover when she moves to Los Angeles and tries to solve a Hollywood murder mystery.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: The Nancy Drew of the past has been updated to the new, the hip, and the now. Trouble is, the new, the hip, and the now might seem dated six months later.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: It doesn't look like more Spy Kids or Agent Cody Banks sequels are coming any time soon, so this baby-faced Bond should keep the kids occupied while you search for porn on the Internet.
Possible special feature: Would it too much to ask for the entire first season of Veronica Mars as an Easter egg?
JUNE 22
Evan Almighty
What it's about: In this sequel to the Jim Carrey vehicle Bruce Almighty, Steve Carell gets his Noah on after God (Morgan Freeman) instructs him to build an ark sturdy enough to survive a great storm.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Are you really going to be able to appreciate the production values of what is reportedly the most expensive comedy of all time on your crappy little MacBook screen? We didn't think so.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: You can fast-forward through all the hokey, sentimental, sitcom-y parts—or roughly everything between the opening and closing credits.
Possible special feature: An itemized account of how the producers spent $175 million on a comedy sequel without the star of the original film; that'll probably be funnier than the movie.
JUNE 27
Live Free Or Die Hard
What it's about: When a computer-savvy bad guy shuts down the nation's fragile infrastructure, it's up to John McClane (Bruce Willis) to give him an old-fashioned analog ass-whupping.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: You know that part in the trailer where Bruce Willis jumps out of the cop car and the car hits a ramp and plows into a helicopter and the helicopter explodes and Bruce Willis is all like, "I was out of bullets"? That was awesome.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Twelve years after a sequel that few people liked, which followed a sequel that fewer people liked, the Die Hard franchise now falls to the director of the Underworld movies, which nobody liked. Does this sound like $10 well spent?
Possible special feature: A preview for Die Hard 5, in which McClane teams up with Rocky Balboa, Indiana Jones, and Dirty Harry to calculate the tip for an early dinner at the Brown Derby.
JUNE 29
Ratatouille
What it's about: The latest CGI film from Pixar follows a Parisian rat (voiced by comedian Patton Oswalt) who wants to be a gourmet chef.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: It's the latest project of The Incredibles and The Iron Giant writer-director Brad Bird, probably the most promising creator working in animation today. It will be fabulously awesome. Or else.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: If for some unimaginable reason it isn't fabulously awesome, better to experience the crushing disappointment in the privacy of your own home.
Possible special feature: Extensive Disney-style nature-reference footage of real live rats that want to be gourmet chefs.
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JULY 4
Transformers
What it's about: In the first live-action theatrical version of a story that started in the '80s when Hasbro wanted to sell a bunch of robot toys, two groups of sentient, transforming robots make Earth their latest battleground.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: $150 million still buys some pretty impressive action sequences, doesn't it? Michael Bay still knows how to make things explode real good, doesn't he?
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Unlike all the theaters showing this, your TV room won't feature any loud, nerdy post-film discussions of what that fucko Michael Bay did to Megatron, and how totally lamez0r Bumblebee looked. Unless you normally talk to yourself.
Possible special feature: A series of drooling making-of-the-special-effects mini-docs that take up twice as much time as the actual film.
License To Wed
What it's about: Before getting married, young couple John Krasinski and Mandy Moore must satisfy a series of ridiculous tests devised by zany minister Robin Williams.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: License To Wed looks like a date movie with something for everyone, assuming Williams' character dies an excruciating, painful, extended death in the first five minutes and is never heard from again.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Is it even possible to make it through a Williams movie without access to a mute button?
Possible special feature: Copious footage of Krasinski engaging in his trademark subtly horrified reaction shots as Williams "improvises" in the character of an old-school B-boy and a swishy hairdresser.
1408
What it's about: The year is 1408, and Hungary's King Sigismund has just formed the Order Of The Dragon. In China, the mammoth Yongle Encyclopedia project draws to a close… Oh wait, never mind. This one's a Stephen King adaptation about a debunker-of-the-supernatural who checks into a haunted room in a hotel run by Samuel L. Jackson.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Umm…
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Umm…
Possible special feature: On the commentary track, Cusack and Jackson share a laugh as they explain how their last few years' worth of films (except for Black Snake Moan and The Ice Harvest) were all an elaborate practical joke, then vow to do better work from now on.
JULY 13
Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
What it's about: We're not sure. An Internet search on this "Harry Potter" character yields very little information. Is he an alien or something? We're a little stumped.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Again, we're not sure. The trailer makes this look like some sort of Dragonheart sequel, but there's no sign of Sean Connery.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: You might have no other choice. There's a good chance that this obscure indie could come and go from theaters in a flash, if it plays in your city at all.
Possible special feature: We did discover that it's based on a book by someone named J.K. Rowling. Maybe he could provide an audio commentary or something.
JULY 20
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
What it's about: Adam Sandler and Kevin James star as a pair of straight, single Brooklyn firefighters who decide to get married in order to receive domestic-partnership benefits.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Because laughing heartily in public at a movie about two characters who people think are gay but really aren't may be your best opportunity to prove you're also not gay, thus deflecting popular perception.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Because it'll take at least another five or six months for all the hilarious gay-panic jokes in Wild Hogs and Blades Of Glory to seem fresh again.
Possible special feature: A paper bag to put over your head that will allow you to carry around the DVD without people spotting you and getting the wrong idea.
Hairspray
What it's about: John Waters' charming movie musical about race relations and teen dance shows in '60s Baltimore made the transition to the Broadway stage, and now returns to the screen again. It's a copy of a copy! So expect the resolution to be, well, not-so-sharp.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Musicals are made to be seen with a big audience, thrilling to every sing-along. Even if we're all singing along with John Travolta in a fat-suit.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: There's a 50/50 chance you'll come home with the Waters version instead.
Possible special feature: Footage of Travolta eating cheeseburgers and drinking milkshakes to bulk up for his role as a chubby dancer's mom. Includes Travolta saying, "Bulk up for what now?"
JULY 27
The Simpsons Movie
What it's about: A popular television family of yellow, four-fingered misfits makes the jump to the big screen in this long-awaited film adaptation of Matt Groening's beloved small-screen fixture. Early reports indicate bumbling patriarch "Homer" may engage in shenanigans of some sort.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: You've patiently waited 19 years for a Simpsons movie. The least you can do is see it on the big screen. What could be more mind-blowing than a 15-foot-high Ralph Wiggum?
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Multi-tasking Simpsons geeks will treasure the opportunity to get online and viciously pan the film while watching the DVD on their laptops. Besides, watching The Simpsons at home is a beloved tradition for millions. Why mess with success?
Possible special feature: Outtakes of the failed live-action version of The Simpsons, which was shut down after five stuntman Homers were horrifically injured on the first day of shooting.
No Reservations
What it's about: Aaron Eckhart and Catherine Zeta-Jones play contentious chefs trying to work together in this remake of the heartwarming German comedy Mostly Martha.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: If you're a chick, you've got a ready-made "Girl's Night Out" activity. If you're a dude, you'll know where the chicks can be found.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: If you get hungry, you can pause the movie and go braise a veal shank.
Possible special feature: Zeta-Jones' recipe… for love.
I Know Who Killed Me
What it's about: Okay, try to keep up: Lindsay Lohan plays a young woman who gets kidnapped and tortured. But when she shows up again, she claims to be someone else.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: It's been a long time since co-star Julia Ormond was in anything this high-profile. Wait? Is that a reason?
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: If it isn't good, it could be the kind of infinitely mockable failed thriller that plays much better at home.
Possible special feature: The famously grammatically challenged Lohan provides a text commentary from her Blackberry.
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AUGUST 3
The Bourne Ultimatum
What it's about: Matt Damon reprises his role as the rogue secret agent who uses his wits—not gadgetry—to elude his corrupt former masters. Paul Greengrass, fresh from the triumph of United 93, returns to the director's chair.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Nobody does "you are there" action sequences like Greengrass.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Greengrass' apparent disdain for the Steadicam leaves many moviegoers nauseated.
Possible special feature: The deleted final title card, which reads, "Matt Damon's war on terror had begun."
Underdog
What it's about: Disney's live-action remake of the quaint '60s cartoon features Jason Lee as the voice of the sassy super-dog who keeps the world safe from the schemes of Peter Dinklage as Dr. Simon Barsinister.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Misery loves company.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Much easier to throw a DVD across the room in disgust than to pull a 20-foot-high movie screen off the wall and launch it across the theater.
Possible special feature: X-rated Easter-egg footage of your childhood being anally violated by this movie.
AUGUST 8
Daddy Day Camp
What it's about: Stepping in for Eddie Murphy—who, amazingly, had better things to do—Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr. reprises the role of a stay-at-home dad who cares for a gaggle of children, this time at summer camp.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: We can think of no reason why moviegoers of all stripes wouldn't want to rush out to see this on opening day. Besides, it's directed by former Wonder Years star Fred Savage, whose extensive experience as a child actor taught him how best to bully performances out of little kids.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Given that DVD is the natural format for sequels made without key personnel, it's surprising that this movie is coming to theaters at all.
Possible special feature: A two-hour-long appreciation of Gooding Jr.'s post-Oscar career, replete with clips from such enduring classics as Chill Factor, Boat Trip, Instinct, and Snow Dogs.
AUGUST 10
Rush Hour 3
What it's about: The many questions and conflicts left lingering at the end of Rush Hour 2 will all be resolved in Rush Hour 3, which pits mismatched buddy cops Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker against the Chinese triads. Plus the long-awaited pairing of Chan and Max von Sydow.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: If Rush Hour 3 doesn't clean up at the box office, Tucker may be forced to make as many as three films a decade for as little as $15 million apiece.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Much like the Lord Of The Rings series, the Rush Hour trilogy can only truly be comprehended and appreciated when watched back-to-back-to-back.
Possible special feature: A passive-aggressive documentary illustrating all the schools and hospitals for the impoverished that could have been built with the money that instead went to Tucker, Chan, and director Brett Ratner for their no-doubt-brilliant work here.
Stardust
What it's about: The adaptation of Neil Gaiman and Charles Vess' graphic novel follows callow young Charlie Cox on a trip into Faerie to retrieve a star for the girl of his shallow dreams. Unfortunately for him, evil witch Michelle Pfeiffer wants the star for very different reasons.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: The visuals are much of the point of any cinematic fantasy tale.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Gaiman's Mirrormask was gorgeous too, but it was kind of a snooze.
Possible special feature: Ten minutes of footage of Gaiman smiling at the camera with a polite charm that makes you feel guilty for anything of his you've ever failed to fully enjoy.
AUGUST 17
Superbad
What it's about: When two co-dependent high-school seniors (Arrested Development's Michael Cera and Jonah Hill) attempt to buy alcohol for a party to impress some girls, the evening quickly goes awry.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Virtually everything producer Judd Apatow (Undeclared, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up) has put his name on lately has been funny, so this comedy—co-written by and featuring Apatow regular Seth Rogen—probably won't be an exception.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: While teen sex comedies often sound promising, they usually only deliver on the "teen" part. The sex and the comedy tend to cancel each other out, which may explain why Catherine Breillat's Sex Is Comedy isn't a laugh riot.
Possible special feature: A commentary track in which everyone involved in the film crams into a sound studio to laugh at their own handiwork.
AUGUST 17
Wedding Daze
What it's about: The hyper-needy Jason Biggs tries to get over previous romantic disappointments by asking the first woman he sees to marry him. Surprisingly, that woman, Isla Fisher, says yes. Unsurprisingly, she and her family turn out to be a little nuts.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Maybe the print will accidentally contain one of the titles this movie went by on the festival circuit last year: The Pleasure Of Your Company or The Next Girl I See.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: The comic sensibility of writer-director Michael Ian Black is a little dry for the multiplex crowd.
Possible special feature: Quippy talking-head comments by Black, along the lines of "Oh my God, remember Wedding Daze? I love the '00s!"