The AARP has deemed Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit its inaugural "Movie For Grownups"

For years, moviegoers over the age of 50 have attended the picture show, only to be affronted by the inane, childish screeching of 30-year-olds, the American Association for Retired Persons is doing something about it. It’s created the AARP “Movies For Grownups” seal—an offshoot of its Movies For Grownups Awards—to stamp the organization’s approval upon movies that it believes would appeal to the 50+ crowd, based on their incorporation of grown-and-sexy themes and actors, and other things mature adults like. For example, the AARP’s inaugural “Movie For Grownups” is Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, a film that includes performances by Kevin Costner, age 58, and its director Kenneth Branagh, age 53, and concerns geopolitics and arguing, two things that older people enjoy.

Variety notes that Jack Ryan also “admittedly stars a 33-year-old Chris Pine as the famous CIA analyst,” but presumably the AARP was able to overlook Pine’s infantile shenanigans by virtue of their being repeatedly corrected by stern talking-tos from Costner and Branagh’s characters, like so many snot-nosed 33-year-olds could use. The AARP also plans to promote Jack Ryan and all future “Movies For Grownups” with announcements via “AARP’s website, daily digital news alert and social media platforms,” thus ensuring none of its members will see them.