8:30pm: Thank fucking God. It started! Only 3 and a half hours to go!!! 8:31pm: Oh my God. Mac (and eHarmony) this is your fault. Do we really have to see a commercial for the nominees? Is the whole show going to be like this? I'm panicking. 8:34pm: The only way that could have been worse is if it turned into an American Express commercial. Being a nominee: Priceless. 8:43pm: Yes! More gospel! More awkwardness! 8:45pm: Art Direction is the first award? Way to kick things into overdrive, Oscars. Half of your audience just went to get another drink. 8:50pm: WOW! A bunch of silhouetted tumblers just turned into an Oscar statue. Maybe everyone is right: Oscar night is the most magical night of the year! I can't wait to see those tumblers turn into other things, like maybe a picture of Alan Arkin, or a diagram of Beyonce's face! 8:55pm: "I'm gonna lose 40 pounds to play Ralph Nader!" Can this Will Ferrell/Jack Black song be the whole show? Please? 9:04pm: How long can Jaden Pinkett Smith skate by on his adorable, adorable looks? Discuss. 9:12pm: The sound effects choral group is actually genuinely impressive. The only thing that could make it more so, is if the guy from Police Academy came out and did a solo. 9:17pm: Clint Eastwood squint counter: 2 9:22pm: A real award! Will it be the oversexed grandpa, the guy from Amistad, the totally convincing Bad News Bear-turned pedophile, a non-New-Kids-affiliated Whalberg brother, or non-fat-suited Eddie Murphy? 9:25pm: It's the oversexed grandpa, Alan Arkin! My favorite part of his emotional speech is when he turned into an Oscar statue for a good 10 seconds. What was that? Also, someone just got fired. 9:27pm: I never thought I'd have to write this sentence, but I've had enough of the silhouetted tumblers. 9:33pm: The song for Cars followed by the song from An Inconvenient Truth = balance. (Because of the carbon emissions, get it?) 9:38pm: Al Gore just made a funny, y'all! 9:43pm: Evidently, there were only three animated movies made this year. Oh, and the penguin won. 9:46pm: "Academy-award-winning screenwriter Ben Affleck," is one of those rare phrases that is completely true, but seems completely inaccurate, like "Non-robot Ryan Seacrest" and "Young girl Dakota Fanning." 9:52pm: The award for best adapted screenplay: The Departed. Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks should read stage directions for film clips all the time. That was actually pretty entertaining. And it included the word "rectus." 9:55pm: Aww. Chris Connelly playing with that wooden horse race game is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Seriously, Jaden Pinkett Smith could drop dead right now, and I would have to think about Chris Connelly toggling the switches on that pathetic horse game to make myself cry. 10:00pm: Marc Anthony is sitting behind Meryl Streep? 10:09pm: FYI, y'all, this Sherri woman says that Hollywood cares, so that's good to know. I'm not sure, but judging by her delivery of this speech, I think she might be a robot. Or at least a Scientologist. 10:11pm: Clint Eastwood Squint Counter: about 85 after that funny MySpace photo bit. 10:15pm: Pan's Labyrinth wins best Cinematography over Children of Men. Boo. 10:16pm: The silhouetted tumblers are now officially scary. 10:20pm: Who will win best visual effects? The octupus beard, the cruise ship that flipped over, or Superman's cape? 10:22pm: The octupus beard won. You can all breathe now. 10:30pm: The Lives Of Others wins Best Foriegn Film (and therefore best-or at least tallest-foriegner). 10:33pm: Why does Snakes On A Plane get its own silhouette? I bet The Lives Of Others is jealous. 10:35pm: It's Best Supporting Actress time! We are mere moments away from Jennifer Hudson's tears of joy. 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1.. 10:36pm: The girl from Babel was clearly mad. And already Hudson's crying. Beyonce is too, but only on the inside. 10:39pm: You know, I'm really glad that the Oscars are totally green this year. But did you see the commercial for that Mercedes with the TVs in the back? I don't care if it creates enough fumes to fill the entire state of Arkansas, I'm going to buy it, fill it with gas, and drive it all over so my kids won't have to suffer three seconds without entertainment. Who's with me? 10:45pm: Seinfeld is in the house! And so is his trademark observational humor! Orange jumpsuit and a board with a nail in it? Hilarious. 10:47pm: It's Best Documentary Feature time! Will it be Al Gore, Catholic abuse scandal, Crazy Christians (non Studio-60-affiliated), or Iraq? Well, duh. It's Al Gore! 10:50pm: Clint Eastwood Squint Counter: 159 (I'm estimating, because he's onstage presenting something right now, so it's either one loooong squint, or a slew of smaller ones. I'm going with the slew.) 10:54pm: Wow. The notes in this Ennio Morricone montage are falling all over the place! It's thrilling! Honestly, trying to make composing look exciting is almost as futile as trying to make writing an email look exciting. 10:58pm: I don't know what Celine Dion just did with her face at the end of that song, but it was far creepier than the entirety of Pan's Labyrinth. She definitely deserves an award for Best Live Visual Effects. 11:02pm: Awww. Ennio Morricone's speech was only in Italian. Therefore, it's automatically the best. And apparently only Clint Eastwood, his wife, and Gwenyth Paltrow understood it, because they kept cutting back and forth amongst those three. 11:08pm: The factoids that the announcer shouts over the winner as he/she's running up to the stage are really draining my patience. Unless the next one is "Forrest Whitaker has problems with intimacy, which really helped him in his research for this role," we don't need to hear it. 11:20pm Oh no. Beyonce's going to sing about being alone at her crossroads. I'm going to the kitchen. 11:23pm: Whoa! Nevermind. Beyonce's not alone at that crossroads anymore: Jennifer Hudson's there! And you know Sasha's pissed! She definitely just popped a blood vessel trying to out-sing the Oscar-winner. If only rage and jealousy translated into trilling ability. 11:36pm: Hey, Everyone. Did you know that America has been depicted in film form? No? Well, there's a montage on right now that will skim the surface of those depictions, if you want to check it out. Or, you know, you could go get some water. 11:45pm:Finally. The Death Montage. Only 2 more hours to go! And they thought this whole one award per half hour schedule would drag things out. 11:52pm: Ok. Best Actress time. Is it going to be Judi Dench in a bathtub, Helen Mirren in various wellies, Meryl Streep with white hair, Kate Winslet in a red bathing suit, or Penelope Cruz?!? 11:55pm: Helen Mirren. Duh. Also, someone should tell Helen Mirren that a small gold statue isn't Elizabeth Windsor. 12:04am: Forrest Whitaker walks with enough purpose for all acting nominees ever. He crossed the stage in like two strides. 12:10am: Scorsese won! Yea! 12:12am: Is this over yet? Come on. Wheel out Nicholson (who wins the award for most streamlined hair, face, and shades combination) and Keaton and let's go. 12:20am: Ok. The Departed won best picture, and, in a hail of annoyingly over-time confetti, it's over! If they had just eliminated those silhouetted tumblers, the broadcast would have been only 30 minutes over time, instead of an hour.
I'm not sure how to best sum up the evening except to say that every film and actor that everyone thought would win did. Also, Ellen was pretty good, as everyone thought she would be. So: yea predictablity! Yea Hollywood! I can't wait to listen to that Oscar-winning™ Melissa Etheridge song tomorrow while my kids watch Cars in the backseat of my gas-guzzling Mercedes!