Hoping to quash the rumors, collateral-damage firings, and revelations of Illuminati master plans in its wake, the Carter-Knowles complex has finally addressed the fight between Solange and Jay Z after this month’s Met Gala. “As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident,” the official statement said of the altercation that has so captured the public’s imagination, because it’s been kind of a boring week and even Justin Bieber maybe trying to steal someone’s phone is barely newsworthy at this point. “But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it.” Indeed, no one need worry a second longer about whether these carefully constructed public figures would find a way to not talk about this.
“Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred,” the statement continues. “They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.” Conspicuously unmentioned is the nature of their respective roles, beyond kicker and kickee, or what they have to apologize to each other for, besides not being able to provoke an emotion from Beyoncé. But again, the important thing is that Beyoncé did not get sister-divorced from Solange. Nor will she and Jay Z be the only ones moving forward, while Solange is forced to only move sideways from now on, her strange, crablike gait leaving her too unbalanced to kick anyone. They can all walk forward in one horizontal line, like families do.
Also, Solange wasn’t drunk or crazy, but merely her levelheaded, naturally violent self. “The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false,” the statement says, before concluding with a reminder that, when it comes down to it, we are all just multimillion-dollar family-brands whose violent confrontations at elite social events are safely guarded from the scrutiny of the public eye, until suddenly they’re recorded and sold for $250,000. “At the end of the day families have problems and we’re no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.”
As of press time, the nation had begun putting it behind them by writing, reading, and tweeting articles about it.