One of the arguments often trotted out for "Intelligent Design," is that certain things (like, say, Kirk Cameron, or bananas) are too perfect or too complex to deny that they were created by an "intelligent designer," i.e., God. But one of the many, many problems with this argument is that it doesn't take into account all of the terribly "designed" things in the world, like say, the 60th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. Where was God, or any "intelligent designer" when that was being put together?
If bananas are evidence that God exists, than last night's Emmys broadcast is equally compelling evidence that everything in the universe is the result of a series of random collisions that have no purposes other than the meanings we assign to them. Seriously. How else can you explain a sluggish three hour broadcast hosted by Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst, and Howie Mandel? No one made that happen (I hope). Well, certainly no one intelligent. It just, you know, happened. And I, unfortunately, watched it.
Noel's excellent TV Club liveblog has all of the winners and losers, but below you'll find some superlatives about the television show that honors the best in television by being the worst, most tedious thing on television.
Best Punchline: William Shatner and Tom Bergeron Tear Off Heidi Klum's Clothes
The painfully long 5-host opening bit was about how they didn't have an opening bit. (So meta!) And then to prove it, William Shatner came up and he and Tom Bergeron ripped off Heidi Klum's tuxedo to reveal a smaller, more glittery tuxedo underneath. So to recap, the joke was that they didn't have a joke, and the punchline was a model in a teeny tux. Oh, Emmys: Won't someone watch over you?
Most Deserving Winner: Jeremy Piven, Winner Of The Annual Jeremy Piv-acting Emmy
No one can out Piv Piven. He was so sure he'd win, he didn't even shower.
Best Use Of Josh Groban: TV Theme Show Medley
Josh Groban's voice has a perfect, warm sweetness to it that only mothers over the age of 50 can hear. To the rest of us, it sounds like he's singing out of his nose through a megaphone made of pretension and old Andrew Lloyd Weber t-shirts. However, last night Groban's nasally muffled whine served the material (old TV show theme songs) in ways both well and weird. And his Cartman impression was eerily good.
Best Husk Of Former Self: Mary Tyler Moore & Jennifer Love Hewitt (tie)
Jennifer Love Hewitt spray-tanned herself into oblivion, while Mary Tyler Moore has been stretched and pulled into a fairly reasonable Mary Tyler Moore mask. Coincidentally, they're also both in a tie for creepiest scarecrow impersonation.
Most Fabric Worn At Once: Lauren Conrad (in Lauren Conrad Collection)
Does it still count as designing if you're just loosely wrapping fabric around yourself? Because if so, we all design towel dresses every time we get out of the shower.
Most Steely-Faced: Steve Carell
And he was steely-faced when confronted with humor, not the truckloads of terrible canned banter that constituted the majority of the show.