Our first fleeting glimpse of Jersey Shore’s third season was but a quickie in the nightclub bathroom, an instantly regrettable bit of instant gratification that left you feeling sticky and unsatisfied. This new extended trailer delves deeper into our generation’s Divine Comedy, skipping past the lameass virtuous pagans and diving straight into the Inferno’s Second Circle reserved for the sin of lust (new roommate Deena, described as a “short little meatball, exactly like Snooki,” is seen “totally getting butt-naked” for The Situation), down into the depths of gluttony (a besotted Snooki faceplants on the beach, only to be hauled off by the police), onward toward the Fifth Circle of anger (“You are a fucking slutty-ass bitch,” Snooki says to Sammi, whose sole positive attributes it would actually be shorter to name) and straight on into the Seventh Circle of violence, with Sammi punching Ronnie in the face and then enjoying swift karmic retribution as seemingly every girl in the house takes a swing at her, until she’s forced at last to charter a car and seek asylum in some far-flung crusty sadness blanket yet to be determined.
There are even hints of the Ninth Circle’s treachery, as J-WOWW undergoes a very real betrayal by someone close to her that involves small yapping dogs, and of course, the entire house could be said to exist in the Eighth Circle of panderers and frauds, where the damned are covered in Silly String and forced to cool their hindquarters in mini-fridges. “Hell has to be just like this,” says Vinny, our story’s Dante-by-default. Aww, don’t take these things so seriously, my dude.