The Great British Bake Off recap: “This is a car crash”

The Great British Bake Off is one of the nicest programs on television. The contestants always have great camaraderies, and their desire to help each other is cosistently heartwarming. And they’re baking? What could be lovelier than baking?

But occasionally, you’re reminded that behind the scenes is a team that wants what all TV production teams wants: ratings and to be discussed. To get the drama that leads to that, Bake Off will sometimes do something devious, and it doesn’t always pay off. This was one of those weeks, and all it’s done is leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

Which is quite a feat for Dessert Week. Dessert is, I think, a very traditionally British thing; in my family all sweet dishes you eat post-meal are desserts but that’s not quite what we mean here. For the purposes of Bake Off and Britain, dessert refers to a very specific type of pudding. Think the apple pies and custards of this world, the treacle tarts—basically anything that would be served in a school canteen in a scene in a St. Trinian’s film.

Now, let’s bake!

Signature

The bakers are first tasked with making eight creme caramels in two hours and 45 minutes, and Prue and Paul are after perfect set custards; baking a perfect custard is really difficult, says Prue, because it has to be only just set, giving a slight wobble. The caramel also needs to be spot on, says Paul; the judges want it sliding down the sides of the creme caramel and the perfect golden brown color.

I’m intrigued with this task, because the beauty of a creme caramel is its simplicity; I want gorgeous vanilla custard, topped with a delicious caramel. And that’s it. That’s all I want. But that’s not what we’re getting, because of course everyone is adding various flavors.

Dan starts us off strong, and dangerously, by telling us he’s inspired by Thai green curry. I love a Thai green curry, but for a creme caramel?! Dan, you are truly going wild. Broken down, his ingredients don’t sound too bad; he’s going to be using coriander, galangal, and lime to flavor his dessert.

We’re warned that strong flavors could risk overpowering the caramel flavor that’s needed for a creme caramel (the clue is in the name), and it seems Dan is willing to skirt close to the fire for this one.

Tasha is going for a rosemary infused custard, with honey caramel and a fig compote, which sounds pretty good and kind of low key for Tasha. Meanwhile, Matty reveals he’s been making 12 creme caramels in practice, and only realized on arriving at the tent today that they only need to make eight. The other way around would have been much worse, and he’s still going to make 12 of his chai, coconut, and vanilla desserts, and pick the best eight. This is my kind of plan.

Achieving the perfect caramel is like “walking a tightrope” says Alison in a voiceover. Matty is falling off the platform that leads to the tightrope; his caramel looks like it’s crystallizing, so he starts again—and then again, finally getting it right on the third go.

Maybe he should have taken a cue from Tasha, who is going with the “cheat’s way” of melting honey to make her caramel. He definitely shouldn’t go with Saku’s plan, as she’s using jaggery, a type of palm sugar that’s used in Sri Lanka (and other places in South East Asia) quite a bit. The problem is that jaggery sets much harder than sugar, so if she lets her creme caramels stay in the mold too long, they’ll get stiff and sticky.

I hope the risk pays off, because Saku is doing something really interesting with her dessert, making mini versions of a Sri Lankan dessert called watalappan, flavored with cardamom and nutmeg. Saku’s hoping to make her mum proud, as watalappan is one of her mum’s favorites.

Josh if of course paying homage to his nan, as creme caramel was his grandmother’s favorite dessert, and plums and custard were among her favorite flavors. Alison tells Josh she loves that he’s “always on at his nanny” who would be proud of him. I agree; we must remember Josh only lost her a year ago, and she always encouraged him to apply for Bake Off; in a way Josh’s whole Bake Off run is dedicated to his nan.

Cristy is making an orange custard infused with nutmeg, and she and all the bakers bar Matty get their creme caramels in the oven as quickly as possible (Matty’s still struggling with his caramel).

When it comes time to de-mold their desserts, nearly everyone has to wait until they’ve cooled. They pop them in the fridge, but honestly, this is another occasion in which a blast freezer would be very helpful. I reiterate my calls for one.

Saku is the only one who needs to take hers out, and after a tense moment, she gets the first one out perfectly, and the rest slide out as well. The others eventually turn theirs out and while there are maybe some other issues (Cristy’s have lots of odd bubbles in the custard), everyone gets theirs out almost without breakage. And then Dan’s final creme caramel breaks and collapses.

Dan is first to be judged, and Paul asks him to stop using the word curry to describe his inspiration, instead just sticking with “Thai flavors,” which sounds much more appealing. While Dan’s creme caramels are slightly underbaked, the flavors are “beautiful” according to Paul, while Prue says the desserts are very nearly perfect.

Cristy’s were in the oven too long, and overcooked, says Prue, which is why she has all those bubbles. The orange is there in her flavoring but the caramel isn’t, continues Prue, while Paul says they’re just too solid.

Tasha’s honey caramel hasn’t quite worked, and the flavor is lacking direction, according to Paul, while Prue thinks everything is too sweet. This isn’t up to Tasha’s usual standard.

Prue thinks Saku’s look beautiful, although they’re not as wobbly as they should be because she used too many eggs. Paul finds them very sweet, but the cardamom does come through.

Like Cristy’s, Josh’s are a little overbaked, but Paul says they look “very, very pretty.” Josh’s spiced plum and orange together taste delicious, and Prue is pleasantly surprised by how fresh the plums taste.

Last to be judged is Matty, whose caramel could be darker. Surprisingly however, he has managed to pull this off; sure, they’re a little overbaked, but Prue and Paul both love the flavors.

Technical

The technical is set by Paul, who advises the contestants that all three distinctive textures in the recipe need to be right. The bakers are to make six individual orange and ginger treacle puddings. These steamed sponges need to be soft and light, and served with a smooth custard and ginger and orange syrup. They’re given one and a half hours, which seems like a shockingly short amount of time, especially as the sponges need to steam for 40 minutes, and the syrup takes 20 minutes to make.

The syrup’s base is a caramel, and poor Matty probably never wants to see melted sugar again in his life. When he adds his liquid to the caramel, the two don’t mix to form the smooth syrup he needs. Saku is also having difficulty, as hers is a bit thin, while Tasha’s caramel isn’t caramel-ing. Unfortunately, they can’t start baking their sponges without the syrup because it goes at the bottom of the cake during baking.

With five minutes to go, no one’s sponges seem to be baked. Even Josh looks stressed, and so far this season he’s been extraordinarily calm. If Josh is panicked, you know it’s bad. And it’s really, really bad. Every single baker’s puddings are raw to a greater or lesser extent. Every. Single. One.

“This is a car crash,” says Noel, as he and Alison watch, and they look genuinely shocked. And it’s a car crash that is thoroughly the show’s fault, not the bakers. One and a half hours is not enough time for this challenge. Not at all. Surely Prue and Paul can’t eat these without getting food poisoning? Paul thinks the same, walking out upon seeing them and having to be pulled back by Prue.

Cristy’s are inedible, as are Saku’s and Josh’s and Dan’s and Matty’s. Only Tasha has just managed to produce a pudding that can be tasted, but even then they’re really on the verge. This is perhaps the first time on Bake Off that no one has really managed to bake anything, and I reiterate: This is absolutely the show’s fault and not the bakers’.

Matty comes last, followed by Saku, Cristy, Josh, and Dan, with Tasha “winning.” Paul tells her that her pudding was “not as terrible [as everyone else’s], but pretty terrible, but at least it was edible.” The only thing anyone can do is laugh; if they didn’t there’d probably be some yelling going on.

“You let Prue down, you let me down, you let yourselves down,” jokes Paul. Everyone is laughing, but I think the producers let everyone down. This task should be completely discounted when it comes to the overall judging today; I’m so annoyed on behalf of the contestants, who did not deserve to be humiliated in this way.

Showstopper

In the pre-judging discussion, Prue said the technical was the worst thing she’s ever judged on Bake Off, and she says they have to ignore it. Thank goodness., although I could do with less of the judges laughing at the bakers.

For their showstopper, they have to make sharing sized desserts, encased within a highly decorative meringue bombe. The design should look like a sphere, and they have free rein on what dessert they put inside. Prue says the bakers are being tested on their meringue engineering skills. It would be nice if the bakers were tested on their baking skills.

Matty is going for a pistachio, strawberry, and basil cake on the inside of his meringue bombe. Dan is aiming for a trifle inside a crust of chocolate genoese, to prevent his meringue getting soggy, while Josh is making a strawberries and cream cheesecake. Saku is going to have two flavors of profiteroles, and Tasha is also going for profiteroles, while Cristy is attempting a mini croquembouche, and her bombe will be covered in multicolored meringue kisses.

The meringues are first in to cook, as they take aaaages. Saku decides to bake each of her meringue halves separately, and I fear this is a very, very bad decision because timing wise it’ll be too tight.

Cristy and Dan’s meringues have cracked in the oven, but will they get them out okay? Saku’s looks gorgeous, but she still only has half. Tasha’s first meringue breaks in half as she takes it out, but she made three, so resorts to cutting the molds out of them to avoid more breakages.

Watching from their smirking seats, Prue thinks there’s a “good danger that all of [the desserts] could collapse” because meringue is so delicate. It’s like the bakers are being set up for failure and humiliation this week, and I am not here for it.

Tasha’s dome falls over just as the task finishes, and she has to use a jar to prop it up, while the bottom half of Saku’s meringue is badly broken. I think, based on what everyone’s look like, Saku is going home.

Josh’s tennis-inspired meringue bombe looks good. Prue says the piping is elegant and it has a proper dessert inside. I have to say that his cheesecake looks delicious. Both Prue and Paul love it. Could it be two star baker hats in a row for Josh?

Tasha’s dessert, which is still standing, isn’t too sweet, according to Prue, and she likes it. Matty’s looks great on the outside but the inside is messy. Prue thinks it’s heavy, and Paul isn’t sure he likes the taste.

Saku’s meringue bomber looks really pretty, according to Prue, but Paul thinks it isn’t technically a bombe as her bottom half has no bottom, and isn’t round. The choux buns inside are flat, says Paul, and Prue deems some elements good but wanted more from Saku on flavor.

Dan’s earth-inspired design has a nice shape, and he’s been clever with the layers inside. Paul loves them, and the sponge has worked in preventing the meringue from getting soggy and collapsing.

Cristy’s looks really beautiful, but in her ambition, she ran out of time and decided to abandon the croquembouche. What’s left is a bunch of profiteroles inside, and they don’t look great. Paul thinks her icing is too sweet, and that she’s let herself down with the inside. Ouch. I think it’s between Saku and Cristy to go home, with Cristy staying because she’s shown more consistency. Let’s see.

In the judging discussion, Prue was impressed by Josh, while Paul says it was nice to see Dan making a strong showing. They award star baker to Dan, which makes it two for Dan over the course of the season.

Going home is Saku, which is fully expected. It’s still sad though; she’s so much fun and really took risks with her flavors and textures. It’s clear everyone in the tent, even Paul, loved her. Maybe next year I won’t have favorites, since this year both of mine have been eliminated one after the other.

Next week: the quarter finals! And the theme is Party Week.

Stray observations

• Do we think that Dan and Noel coordinated when it came to shirts?
• Alison continues to be a joy in the tent, and her support of the contestants is unrivaled. I’m hoping she shouted at someone backstage for the treacle pudding debacle.
• Speaking of, this episode gets its low rating purely because of that task.