The latest ridiculous Twilight product? A sparkly dildo.

Never mind that the whole point of the books is the girl not fucking the vampire for hundreds upon hundreds of angsty pages. Tantus Inc. (motto, available on a T-shirt: "Make dildos, not war!") knows what Twilight readers really want: To skip to the series climax (so to speak) and get it on with something sparkly and rigid that doesn't have a pulse. The order page even notes that "The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience." Unfortunately, the "authentic experience" would actually include a lot of glowering, threats of murder, and offhanded put-downs of the user.

Maybe the next one can come with a voice-chip that plays pre-recorded discouraging messages like "You're just like food to me, you stupid lamb" and "You're so clumsy and useless, it's a wonder you can even get this thing where it's supposed to go." First, though, Tantus should put out a fur-covered dildo for Team Jacob fans. Because no Twilight pandering is too much Twilight pandering.

Incidentally, we found this via Videogum, where the appalled commentary is downright hilarious: "For people who want to fuck teenagers with frozen dicks who can fly."