Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is more than a year old at this point, but someone over at Canadian smut peddlers extraordinaire Brazzers must have just picked up a copy. Today, the company announced its porn parody of the acclaimed open-world stealth game will be released on Wednesday, February 8, and judging by the safe-for-work teaser trailer, at least, it’s an eerily accurate take on one of the game’s most memorable scenes—you know, but with hardcore pornography.
The video, so cleverly titled Metal Rear Solid: The Phantom Peen, is a recreation of the first meeting between Big Boss, the legendary soldier that players control, and Quiet, the silent sniper lady whose in-game outfit is so absurdly skimpy that the only thing Brazzers had to change about her was her name. In the game, Quiet ambushes the Boss and they get into a one-on-one duel that ends with him taking her prisoner and the mysterious assassin joining his military crew. As you might expect, Brazzers’ version goes in a slightly different direction at the end there and peppers in plenty of groan-worthy sex puns based on the series’ innuendo-laden lingo. For example: “Now there’s a new member of the Diamond Dongs. Turns out she’s a real snake eater.”
But it’s not just the plot that’s cribbed straight from the game. The details of the production are shockingly faithful as well, from the costuming (porno Boss’ shitty little plastic glove is a hilarious alternative to the full-on cyborg arm he rocks in the game) to the replication of MGS5’s map screen and HUD. There’s even a bit of Hideo Kojima-style fight choreography and gratuitous bullet time thrown in alongside a particularly nerdy throwback to the Codec conversations of earlier Metal Gear Solid games. Come to think of it, Metal Gear Solid V was so porn-parody ready, it’s shocking the spoof took this long.