The Mooch is coming back to your screens, baby [UPDATE: The Mooch is not]

By Sean O'Neal  |  August 3, 2017 | 3:42pm
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The Mooch is coming back to your screens, baby [UPDATE: The Mooch is not]
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For 10 whirlwind days, Anthony Scaramucci—a golem formed out of Entourage DVDs and sexually harassed waitresses, then brought to life by a magical pair of Oakleys—captivated the nation with his fiery, freewheeling rhetoric and fanciful jests about Steve Bannon sucking his own cock. He quickly became a fan favorite, and alas, we were only beginning to delve into his backstory when he was abruptly voted off The Donald Trump Show. But after a brief respite in which he promised to “go dark” for retooling, then “reemerge as me,” The Mooch is back, baby: CNN reports that the newly unfettered, fully actualized Anthony Scaramucci will hold a daytime “online event” this Friday, during which he will enter the confessional booth and finally share his side of the story.

Broadcast via various, as-yet-unspecified live platforms, Mooch, Moochself, And I (title pending) is being co-produced with the help of former Fox News co-president Bill Shine, a loyal Roger Ailes lieutenant who stepped down earlier this year after being named in several sexual harassment lawsuits, and who is now considered a frontrunner for Scaramucci’s old job, because the producers are really going for it this season. Scaramucci tells CNN their special will finally “give him the opportunity to reach and communicate with the President’s base,” a noble pursuit for which he was recently fired.

Though the specifics of Scaramucci’s monologue are still unknown, it’s safe to say he certainly has a lot to communicate. In the aftermath of his distinguished, not quite week-and-a-half of public service, Scaramucci has undergone plenty of introspection about his job performance—specifically that volatile interview he gave to The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza, in which he called Reince Preibus a “fucking paranoid schizophrenic,” threatened to fire the entire White House communications staff, and left us all with the indelible image of a hunched and straining Steve Bannon, attempting to reclaim sovereignty over his own ashen dick.

And after some deep reflection, Scaramucci says, he’s concluded that he did great! Also, the media was clearly out to get him. And besides, as he tells CNN, “He only anticipated being in the position six to nine months” anyway—which is why he sold his investment firm to take the gig, and will now likely pay more than $7.5 million in taxes for it. That’s just how The Mooch rolls! He’s gotta be free!

And of course, that report on Scaramucci’s finances has joined a surprisingly dense week of postmortems, which has also yielded his extensive communications plan—including a “national lottery” where people could golf with the President—that he’d mapped out for all six to nine months of his tenure, the tabloid stories about his impending divorce and missing the birth of his son, and rumors of an affair with Fox News co-host (and perennial press secretary candidate) Kimberly Guilfoyle.

So there are lots of things that Scaramucci could conceivably comment on tomorrow, openly and directly, which has always worked out great for him. Not every wacky breakout character can support their spinoff, but something tells us he’ll at least deliver a memorable pilot.

UPDATE: Never mind!

 
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