This week, MTV unveiled the nominees for this year's towering, glittering, shiny-popcorn-filled monument to idiocy: The MTV Movie Awards–which is the only awards show not sponsored by Maxim to single out both Jessica Biel's nuanced performance as Girl Who Flirts With Fake-Gay Adam Sandler in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, and Megan Fox's studied turn in Transformers as Token Love Interest. Other films vying for a sweaty-palmed high-five from MTV include Disturbia, Step Up 2: The Streets, and National Treasure 2: Treasurier–small, largely unseen movies that truly deserve all the accolades they can get.
This year marks the 17th time that MTV has shouted "Woooooo!" in the general direction of Hollywood, but in those 17 years I still haven't figured out exactly what the point of the MTV Movie Awards is–besides, of course, to draw celebrities to the show in order to garner ratings and advertising dollars, like any old awards show, and to give Chris Brown the shout-out he totally deserves for his role in This Christmas (he texted with such believability!).
Mark Burnett, the show's producer, said that he thinks the MTV Movie Awards are "the most relevant movie award show in America today." And who knows more about cultural relevancy than the creator of My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad? Burnett also added:
This show honors the movies that millions of young Americans go to see."
Unfortunately there's already an award for that, Mark. It's called money. Young Americans have already honored those movies with the millions of dollars that they spent to go see them. It's not as if young people are a reclusive minority whose voice goes largely unheard by the entertainment industry. Who do you think they made Disturbia for? Why else would there be an Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem?
Of course, there's nothing wrong with a useless awards show. I mean, obviously there is something very wrong with that, but it isn't abnormal. Most, if not all, awards shows are useless: The People's Choice Awards, The Golden Globes, The Oscars, all of them can be distilled down to a fine vapor of meaninglessness and Us Weekly Fashion Disasters pages. But some of those awards have at least the sheen of importance. The MTV Movie Awards do not.
And since they have no hope of appearing important, or of celebrating a movie in a meaningful way, the MTV Movie Awards should just fully embrace their meaninglessness. How? Increasingly meaningless award categories. MTV is already off to a good start with "Best Villain," "Best Fight," and "Best Summer Movie So Far." But those categories aren't inane enough. Here are a few suggestions for MTV Movie Award categories that will really hammer home the meaninglessness of the whole thing:
Best 'Splosion
Awesomest Dude You Would Most Want To Hang Out With In Real Life
Johnny Depp Award (given annually to Johnny Depp)
Best Use Of Eyebrows To Demonstrate Evil
Best Fucked Up Shit
Best Movie Outfit That You Would Totally Buy If Someone Told You Where You Could Buy It And It Wasn't Too Expensive
Best Acting By Non-Actor (This year the award would either go to Chris Brown in This Christmas, or Shia LeBoeuf's Strokes T-shirt in Transformers.
Greatest Product Placement
Best Superbad