TV's newest talent-based reality competition, The Next Great American Band, promises to do for unsigned and struggling groups what American Idol did for undiscovered singers—namely, humiliate them week after week until they're appropriately homogenized, and then give them a record deal so uppity music critics can expound on the sorry state of the industry in snarky posts like this one. But what about the judges? So glad you asked!
In the "Simon" role: Ian Dickson, former judge on Australian Idol. Before he became known for dispensing withering quips like, "Your voice isn't strong enough to overcome the way you look," Dickson was a successful record exec who got his start working for Creation, where he helped boost the careers of The Jesus And Mary Chain, My Bloody Valentine, and Oasis.
In the "Paula" role: "Drummer extroardinaire" Sheila E., former percussionist for Prince and a solo artist in her own right who had hits like, "The Glamorous Life." Unfortunately for the show, Google searches for "Sheila E. +crazy," "Sheila E. +drunk," and "Sheila E. +nervous breakdown" didn't turn up anything interesting.
In the "Randy" role: The Goo Goo Dolls' Johnny "Don't forget the extra Z" Rzeznik. Well, if anyone can give pointers on watering down one's music for mass consumption…