At least once every summer, a movie trailer comes out that is so violently formulaic, so aggressively unfunny that it throttles this thing known as comedy until it stops moving and lies slackjawed and motionless on screen. Since Friedberg & Seltzer (fortunately) don't have a fart-writing spectacle coming out for a while, this summer there's a new movie answer to the question, "What killed comedy?" This summer, the trailer for the Robin Williams/John Travolta "We have to raise kids together!?" movie-like thing, Old Dogs killed comedy. As far as Old Dogs is concerned, comedy is beyond dead. The only thing left to do now is mourn the loss by watching the Old Dogs trailer and cycling through the five stages of grief.
1. Denial.
"Eight seconds in, and Robin Williams already accidentally knocked some kid out with a soccer ball? This can't be real. No movie trailer gets that slapsticky that fast. This isn't happening."
2. Anger.
"Dan. Of course his name is Dan—EveryDude is too long. 'Meet Dan, he's a totally average guy whose life gets wrecked by zany-times!' And why is it always Robin Williams? Can't he stop thrusting mediocrity in our faces for one goddamn minute? He's the bright red clown nose filled with comedy poison that every movie needs!"
3. Bargaining.
"Okay, fine. Dan finds out he has two 8-year-old kids he never knew about and he faints. Loudly. Then he asks John Travolta to raise the kids with him, and they play a violent game of ultimate frisbee with a crazed boy scout leader, because these are all things that happen all the time. Sure. Whatever. We can accept that, just make it stop now. That's enough. Please?"
4. Depression.
"Oh God. The dads on a motorcycle road trip movie? So that guy's just going around making similarly-titled thuds with John Travolta about dads who are mid-zany-midlife crisis? Why even bother? Nothing means anything anymore."
5. Acceptance.
"Zany-vision, followed by crotch shot, followed by penguin attack, and finally Seth Green being cradled by a gorilla following a zoo break-in. That's it. It truly is all over. RIP, comedy."
For the full mourning experience, click below.
(Via Movieline)