The oracle Mariah Carey, draped in mist, emerges from shrine to speak on Thanksgiving, dog hair
Mariah Carey, not content to act only as the harbinger of Christmas, has tunneled down into the core of the world to bring us strange prophecies related to another holiday. On Monday, the autumn season quickly approaching, Carey emerged from her chambers. Milky-white pupils staring intently into her Twitter feed while wisps of otherworldly vapors dissipated in the air around her, she toggled on caps-lock and brought us a new prophecy: “THANKSGIVING IS CANCELLED.”
The internet tore into the Oracle’s missive, hoping to decode its greater meaning. Some factions speculated that her account had been hacked. Others simply accepted the end of the holiday, seeing Carey’s tweet as a declaration by the Queen Of Christmas that this year we’d spend an extra month in her festive dominion. This group seemed totally fine with it. A cheese brand’s official social media account, helpless to resist a trending topic, chipped in, too. Priests argued loudly in the street over interpretations of the message.