The Real Housewives Of New Jersey recap: When it rains, it bores

Photos of the upcoming The Real Housewives Of New Jersey reunion special dropped on Tuesday, May 2, promising not only that there will be plenty of glitter but also that there is indeed an end in sight when it comes to this season of RHONJ. Though there have been some bright spots (all things Jennifer Fessler) in season 13 of the long-running Bravo show, recent episodes have largely proven that what the series needs is a bigger tweak than whatever Margaret Josephs has planned next with her dermatologist. (“You knew me two faces ago!” she yells at one point this week.)

Wednesday’s episode finds the housewives back in New Jersey following their Irish-bound bachelorette party celebrating bride-to-be Teresa Guidice and this week continues the wedding theme. (In TV time, we’re officially and mercifully one week out from Guidice’s long-touted nuptials to Louie Ruelas.)

First, the reality star goes with her four daughters to finalize their dresses, during which she gets a FaceTime call from her ex-husband Joe. (Joe is living in the Bahamas following his U.S. deportation for fraud charges, FYI.) The call is an emotional one, with Joe telling his tearful ex: “I appreciate everything you’re doing over there for my kids because, you know, I can’t be there and everybody deserves to be happy; and as long as youse are happy, that’s all that matters.”

“Joe wishing me happiness just shows how far we’ve come,” Teresa adds in a confessional. “I’m so proud of how we’ve continued our relationship, stayed connected, and I know that that makes our daughters happy. He’s always gonna be in my life.”

Less happy with their ex moving on, however, is Frank Catania, who Dolores meets up with for a tense post-trip meal. “Frank is used to being such a part of my life, and the last thing I want to do is have a sit-down and talk about our feelings, but Paul seems to think that this is a good idea,” she confesses. “But this is not how we do things. It’s never been how we do things.”

The conversation goes the same way as nearly every conversation between the exes has gone this season. Frank wants to have a family dinner to celebrate their son’s new job, but doesn’t want significant others invited. “That’s not a place for Paulie! It’s our family; it’s the four of us,” he tells Dolores. “In the past, it would be just the four of us…what happened to our family?” The lamenting turns into tears on Frank’s part. “It’s almost like you’re off-limits,” he bemoans, but Dolores doesn’t budge. “There’s not all these restrictions, just boundaries.”

Speaking of boundaries, it looks like the Aydin residence can do with some. (“Remember when you told me to wear lingerie for daddy?” Jennifer A. very weirdly asks her nine-year-old daughter Olivia.) Jen and Bill are having their own relationship issues and it’s again much of the same that we’ve seen from these two this season. Jen resents that Bill won’t help with the parenting, and Bill doesn’t want to resume couples therapy because “you have most of the issues and complaints,” he tells his wife. “If you’re not gonna go to therapy with me, you have to somehow meet me halfway,” Jen says of her husband. “If you don’t have both parties participating to make it work, then it’s not gonna work.”

Perpetually in need of some family counseling are Melissa Gorga and Teresa, who have been wallowing in passive aggressiveness for more seasons than they have not. “We’ll be at the wedding; we’ll be there for her…but then I’m done; I’m off the ride. It took me 18 years to say no,” Melissa tells Joe Gorga. However, Teresa’s “surprise” bridal shower (sure, the bride may claim she believed she was merely going to brunch with her four daughters, but who shows up to eat pancakes and throw back mimosas in a white satin minidress?) may have just fast-tracked that flight.

During her thank-you speech, Teresa pointedly fails to acknowledge Melissa. “I mean, could she just not say I’m just so happy my sister in law is here and we’re moving on in a good way?” Margaret asks. “It feels very intentional and if I was Melissa, I would feel like I’m not very wanted.” Even Teresa’s very own trainer Nicole (who both oddly and incredibly inserts into a conversation the fact that she’s “a fucking Satch!” a.k.a. a Sagittarius) sides with Gorga, telling her: “I feel for you. You gotta mention your sister in law.”

Melissa is so numb to the slight that Danielle Cabral feels too bad to bring up the fact that she knows the juiciest bit of gossip this season so far: that Melissa was allegedly caught smooching someone who was not her husband. The announcement will no doubt cause major drama in the Gorga household, but it also might just be the jolt that season 13 needs.

Stray observations

• You can’t say Teresa’s not a doting mother: “I stare at my daughters—Audriana the most. She’s like, ‘What are you looking at, ma?’ I’m like, ‘I pushed you out of my chuckalina; if I want to stare at you, I can stare at you.’”
• This week’s fashion moment? Frank Catania’s leather-daddy motorcycle vest. “What are you, one of the Village People?” Dolores ribs him. “This is my bike-riding outfit!” he proclaims, while D joyfully does the YMCA dance at him.
• Margaret’s platonic “soulmate” Lexi has one of the strangest accents on television. The Manchester-born, Jersey-living blonde sounds as if Fran Drescher had a baby with one of the Gallagher brothers.