Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream and, thanks to him, some of you have something much more important: a three-day weekend. For those of you who aren't government employees or college students, however, Monday is just another day, albeit one marked by ad nauseam spins of "Pride (In The Name Of Love)" on the radio and a lack of mail. But hey, maybe it's not too late to have an MLK Day miracle and fulfill his vision of racial harmony: Sons of former slaves and sons of former slave owners, let us join hands and commiserate over the saddest news of the day, for it is in our shared hatred of Rosie O'Donnell that we will find everlasting peace. From every mountainside, let the Friday Buzzkills ring!
– You're probably already well aware of how Eminem has been taking the whole "Elvis of rap" thing way too far lately, committing himself to a slow and steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology that has left the former Slim Shady open to lots and lots of easy puns. But could things get any more embarrassing than having his mom spill to the British tabloids about his acne problems and Taco Bell bills? Of course they can! Today comes the news that Slim-Fast is trying to court the troubled rapper to be its new spokesman, starting with an unsolicited "We just want to help!" diet plan published in OK! Magazine that in no way should be read as opportunistic pandering. (Note to Em: Fat or skinny, we don't really give a shit. Just write a whole album without a fart joke and we'll forgive and forget, homey.)
– Of course, who cares if Eminem ever recovers when we've got Taylor Swift to pick up the slack? [Thanks to Idolator for the clip.]
– Besides, while Eminem hanging up the mic in favor of hanger steaks is distressing for the handful of remaining fans he didn't completely alienate with Encore, at least he's not remaking a fucking Eddie Murphy song.
– Finally in sad stories from the world of hip-hop, former Death Row hook-slinger Nate Dogg (a.k.a. Nathaniel Hale) suffered a stroke during the holidays that paralyzed the left side of his body. The good news is that it didn't affect his brain or his voice, and he's expected to make a full recovery. The bad news is that the Internet is full of assholes, and the bloggers who had some fun with the initial 911 call (apparently Nate Dogg's girlfriend doesn't know how to freak out properly) have inspired Hale's representatives to pursue legal action.
– Buzzkill Update: Gary Coleman's financial woes led him to put his car up for sale, only to find out no one wanted it despite the added bragging (?) rights. But oddly enough, somebody does want a pair of his sweatpants–to the tune of $400,000, no less. So why is this a Buzzkill? While it may appear to be a much-needed windfall for the troubled star, odds are the top bidder is just a Jimmy Kimmel fan having a laugh. Sorry, Gary. Maybe you should look into robbing a video store or something.
– Another update, and this one is far more depressing: We previously reported on how British pop star Lily Allen was expecting a child with boyfriend Ed Simons of The Chemical Brothers. Sadly, news broke today that Allen has suffered a miscarriage. (The smallest of silver linings: For the first time in any Allen-related story, no one dares to make a "Smile" pun.)
– NBC announced plans today to rip reality television a brand new suckhole with Celebrity Circus, which puts semi-famous people in the hands of professional circus trainers. The network describes it as "Dancing With The Stars meets Cirque Du Soleil." Thanks for the warning.
– Rosie O'Donnell is reportedly developing a one-woman Broadway show based on her life, and somehow she's roped formerly respected actor Tom Hulce into participating. Between this and that cash-in Shrek musical, can we just declare the death of American theater already?
– Speaking of things dying that most of us long ago stopped caring about, master chess player (though he repeatedly declined to defend his title) and eccentric recluse Bobby Fischer has died in Iceland at the age of 64 after refusing to seek medical treatment, which the irascible crank reportedly "didn't believe in." Fischer led a troubled and cantankerous life after his 1972 victory over Boris Spassky, and his steady decline was marked by many public anti-Semitic statements in which the Jewish-born Fischer railed against both Jews and the United States–which he once described as a "farce controlled by dirty, hook-nosed, circumcised Jew bastards"–for orchestrating a worldwide conspiracy to destroy him. Fischer's death from kidney failure confirms what many have long theorized: Jews control the renal system.
Have a super weekend!