Capitalizing on the public’s sustained interest in kid’s movies that speak to their own inner child—saying, “You sure liked some dumb stuff; now, here’s a fart joke and an ’80s rap song”—Sony will perpetuate its role as America’s bored, jaded babysitter by hiring Smurfs writers Jay Scherick and David Ronn to handle its 3-D CGI version of Popeye, which has been in development since at least last year. In making the announcement, Sony Pictures Digital Productions president Bob Osher sang the praises of Scherick and Ronn over their “remarkable talent in re-energizing beloved characters”—a trait we’re not entirely certain should count as a “talent,” remarkable or otherwise. (Though certainly Sherick and Ronn have really committed to hacking out that particular niche, not only working up a Smurfs sequel and now this, but also writing a similarly winking update of Baywatch that somehow failed to meet Ivan Reitman’s current standards.)
After a sip of remarkable tap water, Osher added, “As they demonstrated with The Smurfs, they embrace the iconic characteristics of these timeless characters and craft a story that really engages moviegoers today”—again, talking up the duo who took The Smurfs’ most iconic characteristics and transformed them into 86 minutes of loud jokes about how annoying they were, plus a story about a magic portal or something, whatever, no one’s really paying attention. No word on what they plan to do with Popeye, but you can probably expect it to be of equal, heartwarming volume and running time.