Earlier this week a Colorado judge ruled that "cleaning"–or "ruining"–DVDs by removing sex scenes, foul language, and Kate Winslet's breasts is copyright infringement. That means DVD companies like CleanFlicks, CleanFilms, and other places in Utah that think there's a reason for watching Basic Instinct without all the filth, are very upset.
I've never really understood the point of watching a sanitized R-rated movie. It seems about as fun as swimming in one of these
wholesome bathing suits. I'd rather just not go swimming.
So, hoping to learn more about CleanFilms.com's customer base and make fun of them, I went to their website, and found this: Behold, CleanFilms.com's very helpful Parent Reviews:
From a review of The Last Samurai:
A fan of historical movies, I wanted to watch "The Last Samurai" with my teenage sons, but knew the violence would be over the top for our standards….The beautiful scenery of Japan, plus the fascinating view into the Samurai life are reasons to see this historical epic. "The Last Samurai" was a great opportunity for my family to see action without gore, courage without profanity, and romance without the bedroom scenes, and I would recommend it to anyone wanting to view a great adventure.
First off, no one wants to see this movie for the beautiful scenery of Japan, especially not your two teenage sons. They want to see it because they're hoping to see someone brutally decapitated with a Samurai sword. If that's not possible, then at least a stabbing, or a Hari Kari. Those things are part of "the Samurai Life," too, and you just ruined them. Thanks, Mom.
From a review of Along Came Polly:
Thank goodness for CleanFilms! "Along Came Polly" has a great cast including Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller but the PG-13 rating is truly deceptive. Many families who would never watch an unfiltered R-rated movie may let their standards drop and watch this PG-13 in its' original form but would be upset that the attraction of the stars tricked them into it.
Yes, aside from her weekly Madrina visits to curse Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston has made it her mission to trick unsuspecting parents into letting their kids see mediocre romantic comedies where she uses the word "shit." America's Sweetheart, my ass.
I looked it up and, among other things, there are at least 52 cases of profanity and even nudity in this movie without CleanFilms' filtering. I think it's important to watch the filtered "Along Came Polly" — the story line and actors are entertaining enough.
First off, no they're not. Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller aren't entertaining enough for a kid's birthday party. What are they without poop jokes and the ability to use the word "fuck" in a rambling, neurotic speech?
Secondly, 52 cases of profanity? Really? I'm going to have to watch this again. That sounds a little inflated, but I guess I can understand if you don't want your child to hear it. How old is he? 11? 12?
Unfiltered it was only PG- 13, but to watch this movie without editing would have been a mistake. CleanFilms saved me, as a parent, from exposing my 17 yr. old son to inappropriate material while watching this movie together. Ratings creep really is happening!
Wait a minute. You don't think your 17-year-old son, who is old enough to see an R-rated movie with or without you, can handle an unfiltered version of Along Came Polly? Which words exactly would scar his nearly-voting-age mind? Dammit? Hell?
There are so many awful things in this world (like Jennifer Aniston cursing in a movie) and it's great to hear that some parents are still sheltering their kids from them until the very last second.
(By the way, the conspiracy theory allusion at the end was a nice touch.)
There's lots more filtered film reviews here. Go check them out now, or risk your child's innocence.