We now find ourselves—somehow—a little more than two years out from the beginning of James Cameron’s Avatar sequel barrage, in which the Oscar-winning director will finally live out his dreams of crushing humanity under an unceasing hail of movies about oceans, robots, and those weird hair-tail things that the blue people use to fuck. Like any good future evil overlord, Cameron has been extremely tight-lipped about what the four (Jesus) Avatar sequels he has planned for the next few years will be about, but BBC News has reportedly stumbled onto the alleged titles for each movie, and we have to say: They need some work, James.
Like, hey, who’s jazzed to hang out with The Seed Bearer, huh? Nothing makes us hungry for a fun night out at the movies like the image of either a) a guy carrying around a big old seed like a dopey blue Farmer Joe, or, b) some sort of epic quest to bear a load of holy semen to its fabled home. We sure hope The Tulkun Rider isn’t there to mess things up, but hey, you know how those guys and their Tulkuns get.
The Way Of Water at least makes a certain amount of sense, since it’s reportedly the film where Cameron will get to indulge his love for Avatar and the ocean simultaneously, and Avatar: This Is The One Where I, James Cameron, Finally Get To Have Sex With An Actual Submarine would have seemed a little crass. Meanwhile, you could tell us that The Quest For Eywa was the subtitle to one of those old Star Wars Ewok movies, and we’d have no choice but to accept that you were telling us the truth.
Now, it’s possible that these are just working titles, albeit ones that aren’t working nearly hard enough. Cameron’s actual movies might sound less like first draft chapter titles for our fan fiction novels, which will probably come as something of a relief to his friends at Disney, who dropped a reported half-a-billion dollars on their brand new Avatar-themed land at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, and who would probably like it if this brand stays viable for at least a few more years.
And of course, it’s worth noting that critics were no less dismissive of the first Avatar movie, back before it actually came out and smashed the box office in half. We look forward to eating our words two years from now, admitting that, now that we think about it, water really does have a way, and it’s a great idea to make your gajillion-dollar franchise tentpole after it.