Things That Still Exist But Shouldn't
1. Celebrity Fragrances.
Anything that involves Sarah Jessica Parker kicking through your television, staring you down with her smokey eyes of terror, and reaching out for you with opera length gloves of desperation should definitely be stopped.
Not to mention the fact that celebrity fragrances are the reason that Paula Abdul can claim she is a "businesswoman," while curling up on the floor of the fragrance lab in a white coat, a fistful of paper scent sticks under her nose.
How did we, as a society, allow it to go this far anyway?
Like the celebrity trends of infidelity, multiple marriages, general craziness, and (for a while) friendship with Michael Jackson, the trend of putting a celebrity's name on a fragrance can be traced back to Elizabeth Taylor. But when Taylor hawked White Diamonds, it was kind of pathetic and therefore kind of funny–a sad joke that millions of people paid for. But now that everyone has a fragrance–Mariah Carey, the Disney show That's So Raven, that young surfer girl whose arm was bitten off by a shark–it's not sad or funny anymore, it's just annoying. And who wants to smell like annoyance? It stings the nostrils.
2. Dennis Miller.
It could be true that someone somewhere at some point found Dennis Miller funny. But current fans of Dennis Miller, like leprechauns, magical gnomes, and unicorns, are largely mythical creatures–you may hear a secondhand account about a person laughing at one of Dennis Miller's many longwinded trails of historical references, but you will never see that person with your own eyes.
Aside from seemingly endless appearances on Fox News Network, currently Miller is hosting the Game Show Network's
Grand Slam tournament of champions, where his function seems to be to force viewers to relish the moments when the game is being played by mirthlessly reciting all of the irritating quips he was unable to squeeze into his Monday Night Football coverage. Quips like, "That was the Queen Nefertiti's mask of beatdowns…because it was so ugly!" Ugh. God. Go back to the contestants solving algebra problems in their minds.
3. Gwenyth Paltrow's severely straight hair.
When you're an actress, it's important to be mutable, and unfortunately for Gwenyth Paltrow, mutability and hair that has been straightened so severely it hangs like stiff sheets of sharp blonde razors don't go hand in hand.
Still, it seems to be a look that she is very committed to keeping, because she will try anything, literally anything besides changing her hair in order to look different. Yes, even posing for W magazine while feeding a rat with a sippy cup and wearing all of Eva Longoria's bronzer. That is how committed she is to having her hair evoke images of ice fields.