It’s fairly obvious for anyone even remotely following the tabloids that Jack Antonoff, the 34-year old Bleachers founder and ubiquitous pop producer, is dating 21-year old New Zealand pop star Lorde, whose 2017 album, Melodrama, was produced by Antonoff. Still, that hasn’t stopped the pair from denying such rumors at every opportunity. The chatter took off in earnest when Antonoff split from long-time girlfriend Lena Dunham late last year and, in the aftermath, was reported to be dating “a musician.” Factor in the pair’s close working relationship, abundance of paparazzi shots, and cozy onstage rapport and it all speaks for itself. But, hey, Lorde’s a secretive person. Remember her secret Instagram account for reviewing onion rings?
While that kind of gossip isn’t all that interesting, astounding internet fuckery certainly is. Enter Twitter user @buzzkillary, who has put together a 29-page, thoroughly researched Powerpoint presentation outlining each and every piece of evidence supporting the pair’s courtship. This includes countless quotes from profiles and interviews, numerous photographs, and criss-crossing strings of yarn connecting a supporting cast that includes Dunham, Taylor Swift, and Lorde’s ex-boyfriend.
Foremost among her assertions is that Melodrama isn’t the breakup album that Lorde said it was, but rather the story of her and Antonoff’s secret relationship. “Listen I’m fully aware of what Lorde SAYS the album is about and what each song is about so do not come at me with that what is she gonna say, ‘lol ya it’s about how we were banging behind Lena’s back,’” she writes at the top of the document.
From there, she constructs plausible timelines that place Antonoff and Lorde in the studio together as Dunham was off campaigning for Hillary Clinton (the document also asserts that Trump’s presidency is a direct result of this entire ordeal), and also weighs the decline of Lorde and Taylor Swift’s friendship against the rise of her and Antonoff’s romance.
Oh, and there’s charts.
Multiple charts.
It’s exhausting, frankly, but will no doubt emerge as a sacred tome in the sizable corner of the internet concerned with the lifestyles of the rich and famous.
But hey, if their love gives us more albums like Melodrama, then all the best to those crazy kids.