Like The Ravyns once sang, I was raised on the radio. But I
haven't been a regular listener for many years. By missing the radio for so
long I feel like I've been missing an important piece of the present. So every
month I download the Top 20 songs from the latest Billboard Hot 100, and grade
them, A.V. Club style. This week I'm
looking at (the already out-of-date) January 5, 2008 chart.
20. Kanye West, "Stronger"
Jesus, this song has hung around forever. Back when I first
downloaded it, iTunes only charged me 10 cents. And they tossed in a loaf of
bread and a ticket to the picture show. They sure don't make 'em like Old Man
iTunes anymore. Grade: B- (same as before)
19. Alicia Keys, "Like You'll Never See Me Again"
Following up "No One," the bizarro first single from her
latest album As I Am, Alicia Keys
returns to the tried and true formula of discernable melodies and tuneful
vocals with the straightforward slow burner "Like You'll Never See Me Again." It's
definitely a more listenable song, though somehow less memorable. Keys is back
to sounding like a balanced and more artistically respectable Mariah Carey on
this conventional R&B; ballad. I was just starting to prefer the crazy
Alicia Keys. Grade: B-
18. Natasha Bedingfield Featuring Sean Kingston, "Love
Like This"
I used to think nondescript British R&B; singer Natasha
Bedingfield was the new Taylor Dayne, but she's actually the new Amy Grant. Thanks
to my exceedingly trustworthy lil' Web buddy Wikipedia, I just learned that
Bedingfield is a former member of a Christian dance group called The DNA
Algorithm. (Is there a less enticing combination of words than "Christian dance
group"?) In this context, "Love Like This" suddenly reveals itself† as a love song to one Jesus H. Christ.
"You're the one that knows me, love it when you hold me, never find a love like
this," she sings in the chorus, perhaps realizing for the first time why
there's only one set of footprints in the sand. "All the guys tried to take me,
you're the one who saved me, I feel like I owe you my life." Yes, it's a pretty
creepy song when you listen to it this way, but it's nothing compared to
Bedingfield's recent U.K. hit "I Wanna Have Your Babies." Grade: C
17. Plies Featuring Akon, "Hypnotized"
I downloaded the "dirty" version of "Hypnotized" by Plies
and adolescent-humping enthusiast Akon, and I can't for the life of me figure
out what the radio-friendly "clean" version might sound like. "Hypnotized" is
just so brazenly filthy—even if you cut every "pussy," "titties," and
"cheeks spread wide open," you still have a song that's obviously about getting
a raging hard-on. Not to sound like an old man prude, but it seems really weird
to me that a song like this is on the radio. I'd hate to be 13—a time
when raging hard-ons come and go like city buses—and hear this in the car
with my mom sitting next to me. I used to listen to 2 Live Crew on headphones,
desperately afraid of getting caught, alone in my bedroom. If "Hypnotized" is
pop radio material, what kind of underground filth are kids secretly listening
to these days? Live donkey fucking? Stick T-Pain in there and you got a hit! Grade:
B-
16. Chris Brown, "With You"
Production duo The Stargate produced Chris Brown's "With
You," and it sounds a lot like the group's previous hit job for Beyonce,
"Irreplaceable." Expect it's not nearly as good. The trend of putting acoustic
guitars in R&B; ballads is now officially boring. Grade: C-
15. Sean Kingston, "Take You There"
Where you been, Sean Kingston? How I've missed your lite reggae
pop stylings here in the Top 20! In "Take You There," the young Mr. Kingston
tells his shorty that he can either take her to the tropics for Pina
Coladas—though since he's only 17 he'd at least need a fake ID to procure
alcohol, if not an accommodating older brother—or to the ghetto where he
grew up. "Take You There" is sort of a stealth gangsta song hiding inside a
devotional love ballad, with Kingston shoring up his street cred by casually
mentioning his familiarity with "bad men" in his old 'hood. The song touches on
the uncomfortable dichotomy that exists in Jamaica between the luxurious
resorts that draw American tourists and the slums you have to drive through to
get there from the airport.† Of
course, the somewhat danceable "Take You There" surely is already getting regular
airplay at said resorts between "Who Let The Dogs Out?" and "Mr. Boombastic."
Clearly the shorty decided to go with the beach. Grade: B-
14. Kanye West Featuring T-Pain, "Good Life"
You know what? The Snakes On A Plane joke is kind of funny now. Other than
that—apologies
to Noel Murray—I'm still pretty "meh" on this one. Grade:
C+. (down from B-)
13. Baby Bash Featuring T-Pain, "Cyclone"
And the award for best song featuring T-Pain in this week's
Top 20—there's four of them, which was par for the course for pop charts
in 2007—is "Cyclone," in a narrow victory over Chris Brown's "Kiss Kiss."
When does T-Pain get to release his own single again? The man's become the
Philip Baker Hall of rappers. Grade: B (down from B+)
12. Wyclef Jean Featuring Akon, Lil Wayne & Niia,
"Sweetest Girl"
Listen up kids: Before Sean Kingston there was Wyclef Jean,
a pioneer who realized the commercial potential of combining watered-down
reggae with watered-down hip-hop back when only stoners had Bob Marley posters
on their walls. But "Sweetest Girl" isn't all lightly strummed guitars and
exaggerated Jamaican accents. It's a bona-fide cautionary tale about a high
school track star who ends up as a dollar-chasing ho. That's right, youngsters:
Watch out, or you too might become Fergie. Grade: C+
11. Soulja Boy, "Crank That (Soulja Boy)"
I shirked my pop song grading responsibilities the first two
times I was confronted with Soulja Boy, giving the song an "incomplete" like a
coward. The problem with "Crank That" is it can't be appreciated while sitting behind
a computer on a deadline. You have to be in the right environment. Finally,
over the Christmas break, I found the right environment: The 10th Frame bowling
alley in my hometown of Appleton, WI I was there with my girlfriend's family,
and I was bowling out of my freaking mind. (I ended up with my best score ever,
which I'm not going to share.) As I was in the midst of throwing four strikes
in a row—yeah, you read that right—"Crank That" came on. All of a
sudden, two young-ish girls in the lane next to us stopped bowling and started
grinding on each other like monkeys in heat. "OK," my inner music critic said,
"this is obviously a brilliant piece of pop music." So, Mr. Soulja Boy, please
accept my belated grade: A
10. Rihanna Featuring Ne-Yo, "Hate That I Love You"
I like this song but come on! Another folky R&B;
ballad? This is why the world needs Soulja
Boy to have a second hit. Grade: B. (same as last time)
9. Sara Bareilles, "Love Song"
The safest bet in pop music is a piano-playing female
singer-songwriter whose music can be safely slotted into car commercials and/or
nighttime soap operas. So the success of Sara Bareilles and her first single
"Love Song" was practically pre-ordained. Which is not to say that her success
is undeserved: "Love Song" has a nice Carole King vibe, with a strong and
forceful hook and none of that Vanessa Carlton-style conservatory school noodling.
And I could totally picture Katherine Heigl doing something sassy on Grey's
Anatomy whenever I hear it. Grade: B
8. Jordin Sparks, "Tattoo"
Once upon a time, the only people who had tattoos were
convicts, bikers, sailors, and the old ladies of convicts, bikers, and sailors.
Tattoos were a symptom of, not an attempt at, bad-asssery. Today, Mitt Romney
would get a tattoo on his chest of Brigham Young dry-humping Joseph Smith if it
would secure the 18-to-24 demographic. In short, tattoos have become just
another empty emblem for hip young "individualism." Which brings us to Jordin
Sparks, quite possibly the dorkiest American Idol winner yet. Sparks had trouble out bad-assing Pat
Benatar when she attempted to cover "Heartbreaker" last season. Now the plucky 18-year-old
pro-lifer is singing about the memory of an old flame being on her heart like a
tattoo, demonstrating just how little separates the Mastodon fan with a bloody
ax on his arm and the Carrie Underwood fan with the ying-yang symbol on her
lower back. Still, "Tattoo" was disappointing because I secretly hoped it was a
cover of the classic Who song. Grade: C
7. Colbie Caillat, "Bubbly"
The Grammys need to hand Colbie Caillat a Best New Artist
award already so she can quietly join the "Overly Precious Female
Singer-Songwriter Relocation Program" and live out the rest of her days with
Paula Cole, Sarah McLachlan, and Meredith Brooks in a halfway house in a
undisclosed location somewhere in the American Southwest, never to be heard
from again. "Bubbly" is the kind of blandly catchy folk-pop song often
described as "refreshing" by people who don't like hip-hop-heavy sound of
modern pop music. But the lyrics to "Bubbly" are at least as laughably dumb as
any Fergie song. "Cause every time I see your bubbly face, I get the tinglies
in a silly place." A "silly" place? You mean your vagina, right? OK, just
checking. Grade: D (down from C+)
6. Finger Eleven, "Paralyzer"
The return of Canadian disco-butt-rock! Yes! Like fellow funky-rockin'
Canucks Loverboy, Finger Eleven has no problem shamelessly shaking their
leather-clad booties for a pop hit. "Paralyzer" sounds like a beefed-up version
of Rilo Kiley's sleazy and underrated 2007 single "The Moneymaker"—meaning
it also sounds like a beefed-up version of The Cars "Moving In Stereo"—though
Finger Eleven is clearly more at home on the stripper pole than Jenny Lewis. Grade:
B+
5. Fergie, "Clumsy"
There's a special freedom that comes with being the absolute
worst artist in pop music today. There's simply nowhere to go but up. On
"Clumsy," the fifth (!) hit single from Fergie's debut solo record The
Dutchess, she scores with her best radio
song yet. "Clumsy" is a delightfully fluffy ode to Fergie's favorite subject:
Fergie's incredible sluttiness. Buoyed by a sample from Little Richard's "The
Girl Can't Help It," "Clumsy" is yet another triumph for will.i.am, the
unparalleled genius of contemporary bubblegum hip-hop/R&B.; The
bargain-store keyboards that bounce under Fergie's orgasmic cooing are simple
but undeniably effective at tearing down the defenses of listeners still
scarred by the never-ending chart success of† "Big Girls Don't Cry." Grade: B+
4. Chris Brown Featuring T-Pain, "Kiss Kiss"
Exhibit Q in the case against pop chart stagnation: In the two
months since I last reviewed Chris Brown's decent but hardly earth-shaking
"Kiss Kiss" it has moved down exactly two slots, from No. 2 to No. 4. Pop music
is supposed to celebrate the moment, reveling in the novelty of the now, but
the Top 20 in 2007 changed as much as the playlist at the local oldies station.
"Kiss Kiss" feels as tired as "This Diamond Ring." Grade: B (same as last
time)
3. Timbaland Featuring OneRepublic, "Apologize"
Even if you don't listen to pop radio—or write columns
where you download the most recent Top 20 and wrack your brain for
semi-intelligent opinions on songs that make jailbait girls grind on each other
in front of the future in-laws—you probably have heard "Apologize" by
deadly dull Colorado soft-rock band OneRepublic. I've heard it at the movie
theater, at Walgreens, at the mall, in the shower, in my nightmares,
everywhere. It is the Freddy Krueger of unlikely Timbaland collaborations. It's
one of those songs, like "Bubbly," that's just inoffensive enough to crossover
into multiple formats and demographic groups, making it enduringly popular but
not particularly beloved. Say what you will about "Crank That", but I'll take
an apocalyptically annoying club banger over this tripe any day. Grade: D+
(down from C+)
2. Alicia Keys, "No One"
I don't know if I actually like "No One" or if I admire
Alicia Keys for having a hit with such a strangely unappealing song that on any
other planet would be completely lacking in commercial appeal. It's really the
punk rock single of the year; it's not fun to listen to at all, and yet its' popularity
ensures that listeners are confronted with it three or four times a day. (Which
means it's actually better at irritating people than punk rock ever was.) "No
One" is courageously, gratingly brilliant, and I wouldn't mind never hearing it
again. Grade: B+ (up from B)
1. Flo Rida Featuring T-Pain, "Low"
From the cheap ringtone synths to the T-Pain cameo, Flo
Rida's "Low" is an utterly typical 2007 pop hit. And, depressingly, it may
point the way forward for 2008. Just last week Flo Rida sold 470,000 downloads
of "Low" on iTunes, a new record. (The old record was 294,000 for Fergie's
"Fergielicious.") "Low" is an OK song, but unless there's also a YouTube-aided
dance craze I don't know about it doesn't feel like a real blockbuster. Still,
my gut tells me it will be at or near No. 1 when I check back last month. This
ain't the pop charts, this is Groundhog Day. Grade: B-