Like The Ravyns once sang, I was raised on the
radio. But I haven't been a regular listener for many years. By missing the
radio for so long I feel like I've been missing an important piece of the
present. So every month I download the Top 20 songs from the latest Billboard
Hot 100, and grade them, A.V. Club style.
Unfortunately, the Hot 100 still is mostly
unchanged from the last time I reviewed it in December, so I'm reviewing the Top
20 from the R&B;/Hip-Hop chart for March 1. On a related note, this is the
first This Was Pop column written since the implementation of The Keys Act
Of 2008. This
new rule, passed by me with a unanimous vote, states that I don't have to write
about a song more than twice. The rule is named after Alicia Keys, whose song
"No One" has been amply covered in This Was Pop over the past several months.
Rather than reach ever-deeper into the recesses of my backside for further
critical analysis and/or jokey cheap shots, I'm skipping "No One" this month
and other persistently-popular, covered-to-death hits to come. Cool? Too bad!
Let's get to the rippity, rippity, rap!
20.
Mariah Carey, "Touch My Body"
No. Grade:
B-
19. Lupe
Fiasco Featuring Matthew Santos, "Superstar"
Considering
Lupe Fiasco still does better with music writers than music fans, I think Lupe
Fiasco's The Cool would
have benefited from an October or November (instead of December) release date
to garner more best-of 2007 list love. I know The Cool would have made my list had I heard
it two weeks sooner. So, here's some belated hype: The Cool is awesome. Buy it. Please. And
don't pay attention to the funeral-paced "Superstar," one of the album's few
duds, marred by an overbearing, annoying cameo by folk singer Matthew Santos
and his meticulously enunciated, Joshua Tree-era Bono impression. Note to Lupe:
Unleash the scintillating "Gold Watch" on the airwaves to clear this stench. Grade:
C+
18.
Kanye West Featuring Dwele, "Flashing Lights"
I haven't
been crazy about the singles off of Graduation—after the heights of "Through
The Wire" and "Gold Digger" great unfairly becomes a sworn enemy of merely
good—but I really like this one. Maybe I just prefer the lonely and
insecure Kanye to the insufferably megalomaniacal Kanye. Not that Kanye isn't
ever at least a little megalomaniacal: In the video for "Flashing Lights" Kanye is beaten to
death by a big-breasted, mostly-naked woman with a shovel while he's bound and
gagged in the trunk of a car. This, of course, is hysterically inappropriate
for a music video but actually pretty appropriate for the song, which is about
realizing that the person you're in love with is completely wrong for you.
Normally this is just sad (or possibly liberating), but for melodramatic types
like Kanye it's plain deadly. I can only imagine how crazy the girl must have
been to make Kanye feel sane. Grade: A
17.
Alicia Keys, "No One"
Please see
The Keys Act of 2008. Grade: N/A (previous grade: B+)
16.
Rocko, "Umma Do Me"
Social
conservatives accuse rappers of using music like a Kanye-smashing shovel to
chip away at our precious American values, but Rocko is here repair the damage.
"Umma Do Me" is an anthem promoting rugged, "U! S! A!"-style individualism. You
wear Bally, I wear Reebok, and that's OK, because in this country we have
freedom of choice when it comes to corporate allegiances, and umma do me some
brazen product placements. Even Bill O'Reilly can bob his head to that.
Grade: B-
15. Ray
J & Yung Berg, "Sexy Can I"
Seeing
someone naked—whether in person or in a sex tape that's been leaked
online—creates a lifelong bond with that person, which must explain my
affection for "Sexy Can I." I saw Ray J's cock penetrate celebrity ho-bag Kim
Kardashian long before I heard one of his songs, and I'm pleased to report that
his music is much more entertaining than his fucking. Of course, Ray J's music
sounds like fucking,
so maybe there's not much of a difference. Grade: B
14. Fat
Joe Featuring J. Holiday, "I Won't Tell"
I love the
title of Fat Joe's upcoming album—The Elephant In The Room—a lot more than its second single "I
Won't Tell." It's not a bad song; I don't think I'd like "I Won't Tell" more if
it included a clever, self-effacing joke referencing Fat Joe's fatness. It's
just that this standard issue ballad has zippo personality, and its anonymity
isn't helped by guest star J. Holiday, who's looking to become the T-Pain of
'08. Grade: C
13.
Jaheim, "Never"
I'm a
sucker for slow and sultry '70s soul—who isn't?—so Jaheim's "Never"
hits all my sweet spots. This is just a really solid, no-frills ballad in a
Teddy Pendergrass vein that I could hear 100 times and probably never get sick
of. (Not that I'm about to test that theory.) Grade: A-
12. Trey
Songz, "Can't Help But Wait"
Trey
Songz' "Can't Help But Wait" is from the Step Up 2 The Streets soundtrack. I'm not sure if this is
the love theme from Step Up 2 The Streets but it should be. "Can't Help But Wait" is a
one-sided love song, which is the best kind of love song because it's the one absolutely
everyone can relate to. Trey's girl belongs to somebody else, and even if the
guy is a jerk Trey loves the girl so much that he doesn't want to hurt her by
pointing it out: "I don't want to come between you and your man, even though I
know I'll treat you better than he can." If only Trey didn't bring skeezy
stripper-songster Plies in on the remix; it's like doing a duet with the jerk
he's singing about. Grade: B†
11.
Shawty Lo, "Dey Know"
This chart
needs another shawty like the modern rock chart needs another surly male with
stupid facial hair. Grade: C
[pagebreak]
10.
Webbie, Lil' Phat & Lil' Boosie, "Independent"
The last
time Webbie and Lil' Boosie hooked up it was on Boosie's "Wipe Me Down," which
included a memorable line about tossing a dick up in a bad bitch. In
"Independent," the bad bitch is now a bad broad, and she'd rather go to work
and pay the bills ("on schedule," no less) than act as a landing pad for
Boosie's cock. Good lifestyle choice, nominally better song. Grade: B-††
9. Flo
Rida Featuring T-Pain, "Low"
Sometimes I
can't make heads or tails of the Billboard chart. Flo Rida's "Low" has been No.
1 on the Hot 100 chart for more than two months, but it's only at No. 9 on the
R&B;/Hip-Hop chart. How does that work, exactly? "Low" might be lower on
this chart, but it's risen for me since I last reviewed it in December, when I
half-dismissed it (hastily, as it turns out) with a B-. I'm still not sure
"Low" deserves to be such a huge hit—it just seems like another really
popular booty-shaker, not a transcendent, all-encompassing anthem—but it's won me over with its guileless
infectiousness. "Low" is my perfect summer cruising song for the middle of
winter, exactly when upper Midwesterners like me need signs of life most of
all. Grade: B+ (up from B-)
8. Snoop
Dogg, "Sensual Seduction"
"If you
don't know by now Doggy Dogg is a freak," says the artist formerly known as
Calvin Broadus in "Sensual Seduction," the first single from the forthcoming Ego
Trippin'. Snoop
must have felt the need to point out the obvious because little else about this
song sounds obviously Snoop. First off, Snoop does a credible job doing an
auto-tune croon (though Snoop has always been a crooner, really). Then there's
the backing track, which is the frothiest, most playful funk Snoop has ever
fucked with. Like LL Cool J before him, Snoop Dogg is one of the few rappers to
go the distance because of his smooth way with a lady-friendly single, and
"Sensual Seduction" shows he not going the way of Nate Dogg anytime soon. Grade:
A-
7. Chris
Brown, "With You"
With some lush
acoustic guitar strumming cushioning Chris Brown's fey trilling, "With You" sort
of reminds me of Supertramp's 1977 No. 15 hit "Give A Little Bit". And since
"Give A Little Bit" always reminds me of In Through The Out Door era Led Zeppelin, I really want to
describe "With You" as Chris Brown's most Zeppelin-esque track. (I realize
"Give A Little Bit" technically came out before In Through The Out Door, which tells me that along with
everything else, Satan gave Jimmy Page the power to influence other bands with
music he hadn't even written yet.) At any rate, I fear this description makes
sense only to me, so I'll just stick with my grade from last time. Grade: C-
(same as last time)
6.
The-Dream, "Falsetto"
I was one
of maybe six pop fans in the world that didn't like Rihanna's commercial and
critical smash hit "Umbrella," written by R&B; mastermind du jour The-Dream.
And I stand by that judgment: Rihanna's chilly sexbot persona doesn't do much
for me, but I thought the song itself was shopworn diva stuff with laughably
hackneyed lyrics. ("You can stand under my umber-rella"? I'll stick with the
literate witticisms of Soulja Boy, thanks.) I also wasn't a fan of The-Dream's
other big hit, the mind-numbingly repetitive "Bed," for J. Holiday. The echoes
of those songs can be heard in "Falsetto," the second single from The-Dream's
debut Love Hate. Only
this time, he gets it right, at least as far as convincing me and the rest of
the stubborn six that The-Dream might be a genius when it comes to crafting
Grade-A ear candy. On "Bed" he was trying to be the Isley Brothers, and on
"Falsetto" he is the
Isley Brothers, right down to the smoking guitar solo and the, well, falsetto
cooing. Grade: A-
5.
Mario, "Crying Out For Me"
When
R&B; singer Mario appears on Season 6 of Dancing With The Stars starting later this month, his dance partner will be Karina
Smirnoff, who paired with Mario Lopez in Season 3, a coincidence Wikipedia
calls "ironic." That's the most interesting thing I have to say about Mario, a forgettable
former child star who stakes his claim as the poor man's Usher on "Crying Out
For Me." He mostly succeeds thanks to a creamy chorus and some spooky, retro
synths whistling in the outro. It sure don't move, though, which tells me A.C.
Slater's Mario legacy is secure. Grade: B-
4. Mary
J. Blige, "Just Fine"
I'm a big fan of Mary J.'s
latest album Growing Pains, even if it is heavy on
touchy feely self-help talk. I actually don't mind the record's
Oprah-isms—no song is more self-consciously "life-affirming" than the
title track, and it's probably the song that moves me the most. In contrast,
"Just Fine" is just what it says it is, and nothing more. I like it, but it's
only the record's second best Off The Wall-inspired track. (I know I'm playing
armchair A&R; guy a lot here—did you hear me before, Lupe?—but I
really hope the Pharrell-penned "Till The Morning" makes it to radio.) Grade:
B
3. J.
Holiday, "Suffocate"
J. Holiday
gives me the creeps. On his first single "Bed" he was a little too aggressive
about getting his girl on the bed, bed, bed, and now on "Suffocate" he talks
about not being able to breathe when she touches him. (Physical illness is a
symptom of codependence, J.) A love song should not make you pity the object of
affection, but I feel obligated to sneak J. Holiday's shorty out of the house
when he's not around and place her in an undisclosed location. Grade: C
2.
Alicia Keys, "Like You'll Never See Me Again"
"Like
You'll Never See Me Again" is very long and very slow. The tinkling piano hook
just limps round in circles, endlessly, like square-dance day at the rest home.
I let "Like You'll Never See Me Again" play in the background while I wrote the
rest of this column. I'm still only on the second verse. Grade: C (down from
B-)
1.
Keyshia Cole, "I Remember"
Keyshia
Cole can blow. Simon Cowell would call her old fashioned, because she his: "I
Remember" sounds like barely updated Anita Baker. But Cole has the No. 1
R&B;/hip-hop song in the country, so what does Simon (or me) know? "I
Remember" is the best of the three painfully slooooow jams at the top of the
chart, though it's still a cookie-cutter ballad that's redeemed only by a
terrific singer that deserves better. Grade: B-