This week in Savage Love: Big little lies

I’m a middle-aged man dating a younger guy. He wanted to be a “boy” to a
Dom top daddy, and I was happy to oblige. The sex is amazing, and we click as people,
too. Then a couple days ago, he told me he wanted to explore small penis humiliation
(SPH). I was taken aback—not by the request, but because his penis is NOT small!
It’s not huge, but it’s at least
average. And it’s thick! I’m not super hung, so it’s not that he seems small in
comparison—I have maybe an inch on him. When I pointed this out, he claimed I was
just trying to make him feel better about his small size! He said I was patronizing
him. He ended the conversation by saying he would drop it, since it was obviously
making me uncomfortable. Honestly, I am
uncomfortable with it. I just can’t imagine bringing myself to go on about how small
his dick is when I’m actually thinking how much that thing would hurt if he were
to top me. But my bigger concern is that doing SPH might feed into possible body
dysmorphia. The way he reacted to being told his penis wasn’t small was a red flag—it
told me this isn’t just a fantasy. It’s not that he wants to be made to FEEL it’s
small; he really believes it is small. How is this different from telling a skinny
boyfriend what a big fat pig he is? I really like this guy, and I think this could
go somewhere. I want to be GGG, but not at the cost of his mental health.
Need Objectivity, Savage, Please Help!

“The boy expressed a desire
to play out a specific scene; he did not request a fact-check on his dick size,”
said Dr. Reece Malone, a board-certified sex therapist with a doctorate in human
sexuality. “The boy’s disappointment is understandable, especially if he was feeling
hopeful that the request would be met with enthusiasm and mutual excitement.”

Your boy was probably nervous
when he brought SPH up, NOSPH, and his reaction to your reaction—his complaints
about feeling patronized, his demand to drop the subject—was likely motivated by
shame. Not shame about the size of his dick, but shame about this particular kink.
He was open with you about other kinks right away, but sharing those kinks probably
didn’t make him feel as vulnerable as sharing this one did. He held SPH back until
he felt he could really trust you. And after he worked up the nerve to tell you
about his biggest turn-on, your response was to argue with him about whether his
dick is small enough to qualify him for SPH play. “I think it’s important that
NOSPH revisit the conversation to examine if his reaction felt shaming,” said
Dr. Malone.

“While I appreciate NOSPH’s
concerns,” continued Dr. Malone, “SPH scenes don’t require one to have a small dick.
It’s fully engaging in the role-play itself that’s hot and exciting. It really is
no different if a daddy’s skinny boyfriend wanted to engage in a fantasy where the
thought of being a ‘big fat pig’ was hot and exciting for him.”

Now, if he had a history
of bulimia, telling him he’s a “big fat pig” could be harmful; likewise, if he had
a history of bigorexia, telling him he’s a “skinny little shit” could be harmful.
Your boyfriend may have a distorted idea about average dick size—most likely distorted
by porn—but odds are good he’s one of millions of people out there who have eroticized
their anxieties and insecurities. So long as he isn’t contemplating some dangerous
or stupid way to make his cock bigger (like getting liquid silicone injected into
his genitals, something that led to the death of a gay man in Seattle last year),
you can engage in SPH without doing him harm.

“But NOSPH should ask more
questions and engage in a dialogue on how his boy wants the scene played out, and
if and how it would change their sexual dynamic overall,” said Dr. Malone. “It’s
also fair for NOSPH to share his own concerns about feeding into body dysmorphia.
He also has the right to set boundaries or decline the scene altogether.”

Agreed! Limits and boundaries
aren’t just for subs, bottoms, or slaves. Doms, tops, Masters, and Mistresses get
to have limits and set boundaries, too. If you can’t go there, you aren’t obligated
to go there. But it might make you feel better about going there, NOSPH, if you
bear in mind that you can mock his tiny cock (during sex play) and reassure him
about his cock (during aftercare). If your boy doesn’t feel like he has to win an
argument about how small his cock is to get the SPH he wants, he might be willing
to admit—or finally be willing to accept—that his cock isn’t really that small.

Dr. Reece Malone is the creator
of “Last Longer in Bed: 6 Steps to Master
Premature Ejaculation.” You can learn more about Dr. Malone and his work
at reecemalone.com.

Maybe you need to chill the
fuck out, TUMULT.

People put their long-term
goals on the table when they start getting serious about someone—long-term goals
like the places they’d like to live or the kids they’d like to have—because if you’re
not on the same page about the big stuff, continuing to make a large emotional investment
in the relationship sets both partners up for heartbreak. And while you seem to
think he should have brought kids up sooner (or in person, which definitely would’ve
been better), people who bring up kids on the first date don’t get many second dates.
Six months in is a perfectly reasonable time to bring kids up.

And where you see an ultimatum,
TUMULT, I see an opening—the opening of negotiations. Your boyfriend would like
to be a parent in a year or two. You would also like to be a parent, but not
that soon. So make your counteroffer. If two years is too soon, tell him when
you think you might be ready. Three years? Four? After you land a job in your field?
After President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez signs the Green New Deal into law?

All your boyfriend is saying—all
he’s texting—is that he sees a future with you and wants to know if you’re on the
same page about the big stuff. It’s a compliment, TUMULT, not an ultimatum. And
while there’s no compromising about whether to have kids—you can’t have half a kid
(not legally)—you can hammer out a compromise about when to have kids.