This week in Savage Love: Reunion blues

I fell in love with my second cousin about four years ago at a family reunion. (I hadn’t laid eyes on him since I was a kid!) I was 15 when we met, he was two years older, and we were in a long-distance relationship for three years. We ended things a year ago and I’m going to be seeing him for the first time since our breakup at another family reunion this fall. He’s bringing his new girlfriend. Do I have a responsibility to make her feel comfortable? Do I avoid him and risk family drama? I’ve done so much to work through this, Dan, and I’d love to see this as a healthy exercise in staying true to myself.

Cancel On Upcoming Shindig? I’m Not Sure!

I’m hoping it was just the usual heartache you had to work through after this relationship ended—by which I mean to say, COUSINS, I’m hoping your ex-boyfriend (and current second cousin) wasn’t emotionally or physically abusive and you weren’t working through trauma. And I’m hoping you didn’t get too much grief about dating your second cousin from other family members. (First cousins can legally marry all over the world!)

Assuming your ex was only guilty of breaking your heart (a risk we take when dating anyone), you should approach this family reunion like any mature adult who finds herself at a wedding or a funeral or a holiday party with an ex. You slap a smile on your face and say hello to your ex, you tell his new girlfriend it’s nice to meet her, and then you avoid both of them for the rest of day. If you’re worried about getting trapped in a conversation with either or both of them, COUSINS, and don’t have it in you to say, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me, I gotta go take a monster shit,” then deputize someone to run interference for you. Your designated interferer should stay by your side as much as possible, COUSINS, and if you get separated and they see you trapped in an extended conversation with your ex or his new girlfriend, COUSINS, it’s their job to swoop in and rescue you.

And if family members gave you grief about dating your second cousin—if you were subjected to more than some gentle awkwardness-acknowledging, tension-releasing ribbing about the situation—and that grief was the source of whatever you had to work through since breaking up with the guy who was essentially your high school boyfriend (a guy you were always gonna breakup with at some point), COUSINS, then this reunion is an opportunity to tell those people to go fuck themselves.

Mulling Over Moments

You can tell a mom not to worry but a mom is still gonna worry, MOM, so you go right ahead and worry. But if your son knows he can talk with you about anything and he’s chosen not to talk with you about this, MOM, and if your son isn’t upset about it or otherwise miserable, leave him alone. If he has friends—and you say that he does—then he has peers he can confide in about his love life, assuming he wants one, and open up to about his sexual inexperience, if he regards it as a problem, MOM, which he may not.

Griping Over Nauseatingly Nonsensical Affectations

You’re gonna hafta pry those “gonnas” and “wannas” outta my cold, dead hands, GONNA, if you wanna get ’em outta my column.

Bringing All My Boyfriends Inside

Nope.

P.S. They’ll get used to you being poly, you’ll get used to them knowing you’re poly, and it’ll get less awkward over time. But there’s no way to avoid that first blast of pure awkwardness. Instead of trying to avoid it, BAMBI, try to have a sense of humor about it.

Feels Uncomfortable Near Extremely Religious Asshole Lowlifes

Your childhood best friend dropped hints about being assaulted by this man—her stepfather—but she never actually came out and told you that. But you know for a fact that he preyed on a mentally disabled woman and that he sexually harassed you when you were a minor. And like so many sexual predators on altars, this asshole got away with it. There haven’t been any consequences, no accountability, and he’s still in a position—a position of spiritual authority—where he can (and probably does) abuse and exploit other vulnerable women and girls.

Ugh.

I’m pro telling this asshole to go fuck himself at the funeral—loudly—but there’s something you could do before the funeral. While you can’t control what your parents or this church have done or failed to do, FUNERAL, and while your childhood best friend’s story isn’t yours to tell—and you don’t know or don’t officially know the full story—you can tell your own story. You can report this asshole to the pious lowlifes who run this fucking church and file a police report at the same time. Oh, and make sure to let those church leaders know you filed a police report. While there’s no guarantee they’ll act against this creep after getting a report of sexual abuse (see: Catholic Church, sex abuse scandals), they’ll at least know they’re leaving themselves open to potential financial consequences if they fail to act (see: Catholic Church, sex abuse scandal settlements).

I’ve been to a few funerals in my time, FUNERAL, and it’s not the people at the funeral we tend to remember—it’s the people who were there for us before the funeral and after. Head home, be there for your old friend, and feel free to skip the funeral if that asshole is gonna be there.