This Week In Terrifying Hybrids
1. Hillary Clinton + Barack Obama + John Edwards + Comedy so sweaty you have to wipe down your TV screen with a towel + The desperate need to be in on the joke = last night's Colbert Report Candidate Variety Show:
When Bill Clinton played the saxophone on Arsenio Hall's Whoop-Whoop Hour during his presidential campaign, it was refreshing. Cheesy, yes, but also surprising. In that one appearance, Clinton revealed a humanity, a sense of humor, a self-deprecation, and a pair of Ray-Bans heretofore unseen in presidential candidates. Unfortunately, now appearances like that are standard for candidates, which means that with every passing election, more stilted joke readings, piled upon stilted dance sessions, piled upon stilted "special guest appearances" are required to give the candidate that "See? I'm just like you!" smell. Really, though, it's the scent of desperation.
Ok, presidential candidates, we get it. You have a sense of humor. That's great. It really is. But you know what's not funny? Constantly trying to prove that you're funny. In fact, it's pretty tiresome. So by trying to prove that you have a sense of humor, you end up demonstrating that you don't actually have one. How does it feel to have your actions completely nullified?
Can we please just fast forward to the part in our future when presidential candidates will be forced to trade jabs with Jeff Foxworthy while trying to feign stupidity in the face of a 3rd grade grammar question on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? in order to prove that they're down with the culture? I'm getting tired of waiting for it.
2. Pete Wentz + Ashlee Simpson + An Album To Promote = A publicity baby with the world's sharpest bangs
The addition of two negatives usually equals a negative, so why is it that when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson start a rumor about their imminent spawning, it results in a positive amount of both publicity and interest? Logic dictates that news of their ghost fetus should have resulted in a deep, sucking void of disinterest, not a gleaming tower of buzz for her new album.
Her father should stage Ashlee's "delivery" of her "baby" in a tub full of copies of her new CD on the day of its release, while he laughs in the corner saying, "Oh, you thought we meant she was having a literal baby? Ha. No, but she is 'pregnant' with joy about her new album!"
3. Toilet paper + Over-sharing + that butt-obsessed dog = Cottonelle's over-explanatory ad campaign
Subtle, Cottonelle. But if the aim of your ad campaign is to make people on subways think about vast volumes of poop, then really this ad is too subtle. If you're going to remind consumers of exactly what toilet paper is for–-something that, incidentally, no one ever needs to be reminded of because it is impossible to forget—then just be direct. Why not: "Cottonelle: It's What You Wipe Your Butt With" Or "Planning To Defecate Today? Use Cottonelle." Those would be more honest, and somehow less gross.