This Week In Terrifying Hybrids
1. Gushers + acne + The tradition of Halloween gross-out candy = Zit Poppers
Nothing is more disgusting than biting into a warm gummy candy only to have it ooze a sickeningly sweet syrup into your mouth–except maybe if that gummy candy resembles a huge, plump, ripe-with-pus zit. It's not just a candy zit: it's a candy zit that can pop. Why does candy have to be active? The kinetic aspect of it is definitely the grossest part.
2. Polyester costumes – fabric + laziness + an inordinate amount of mini-tutus = Leg Avenue
Leg Avenue, and their many, many stripper-in-a-bag costumes, didn't invent Slut-o-Ween–but the company did make it a lot easier. Every "Officer Naughty" you see on Halloween, every non-sensical "Sexy Jason from Friday The 13th, even though that doesn't make any sense" you pity at a Halloween party, every mundane Hilari-sexy Sarah Palin Streetwalker in the Halloween parade–all of them can be traced back to Leg Avenue, if not directly than at least in spirit.
Essentially, Leg Avenue's design process is to take a character or occupation and think: "What would a stripper do?" That's how a zookeeper ends up as Stripper Zookeeper, excuse me "Safari Jane," with fishnets, garters, and pawprints to indicate where her boobs are (in case you missed them), and how every character from Dorothy to Strawberry Shortcake ends up in thigh-highs. The result? Sexy costumes have never been so aggressive or so boring. It's like looking at Halloween through the same tired, used pair of fishnet tights.
3. America's Next Top Model – Tyra + buckets of desperation + the unfortunate spectre of Saw VI looming on the horizon = VH1's Scream Queens
If watching America's Next Top Model like standing logic on quicksand, then watching Scream Queens is like throwing logic down a well. ANTM is built on the (false) assumption that you can teach someone how to be a model with advice like, "You're 'Ungh!' You need to be more 'Ungh-Uh!'" Scream Queens is built on the false assumption that you can teach someone how to act by telling them over and over again, "Be more believable." Oh. So in other words, actors should act? Thanks. Even Tyra Banks would agree that's stupid advice.
But watching an episode of Scream Queens has taught me one thing: screaming convincingly at a rubber snake is evidently a hard-won skill. Also, "You look like the stripper that would die in scene three," is an insult, but winning the the role of "Girl Who Dies Within The First 10 Minutes" in Saw VI is apparently a prize.
The worst part about Scream Queens is that it's a confirmation that Saw VI will eventually happen.