For years, America has been grappling with a pivotal social issue, one that the government seems bound and determined to ignore: the plight of our Oscar nominees. These poorest and most needy of our citizens have gone unaided for too long. In our cold hearts, we punish them with fool’s advice, bidding them content themselves with the hollow blandishment, “It’s an honor just to be nominated.” No more! This year, some generous businesses have collected alms and graciously donated of their wares, so that every attendee of the 2015 Academy Awards will walk away with a morsel of nourishment: a gift bag valued at more than $125,000.
As Variety reports, the awards show participants will no longer be cruelly divided into just the haves and the have-nots of a gold statue. Instead, all will be given a charitable donation of equal value. Sure, there will be the usual crumbs, high-end skincare products and luxury accessories, with which nominees can succor themselves, knowing that—at least this one night—they don’t have to suffer alone. But more importantly, they’ll receive a chance to experience the daily amenities of the average hard-scrabble worker. Amenities like a three-night stay at a Tuscany resort, valued at $1,500. They’ll marvel at things we normal folks take for granted, like French sea salts worth more than a thousand dollars. They might even finally get a chance to enjoy a small treat, with their $800 gift certificate for a custom candy and dessert buffet.
But best of all, they’ll have the rare chance to wash the years of grime and frustration off of themselves, and feel like a regular human being. This gift is bestowed via nothing more than a mere luxury train ride through the Canadian rockies, valued at more than $14,500. Or perhaps they’ll find a glimmer of hope in the $12,000 “glamping” trip package included in the bag. (Do those poor souls even know what “glamping” is? The mind shudders at the possibility of their ignorance.) If nothing else, surely they will find solace in the everyday items, tossed into their bags as an afterthought, which are usually found in the bottoms of our purses and junk drawers: a $250 Haze vaporizer and a $250 Afterglow vibrator.
It seems that the bravest among them are even openly weeping at an opportunity anyone with steady employment in this beautiful country takes for granted: a $20,000 gift certificate to meet with Enigma Life founder Olessia Kantor, who will personally fly out to meet the nominee and “discuss their 2015 horoscope, analyze dreams and teach them mind control techniques.” A normal Tuesday afternoon for you, reader, but as rare as a four-leaf clover for them.
Of course, this is all the work of a few generous individuals and/or their multinational corporations, and are not official Academy gift bags. The heartless and miserly Academy officially voted to discontinue gift bags in 2006, after reaching an agreement with the IRS that recipients would have to pay taxes on them. Thank God in this land where the average worker has far more than he or she could ever need, we can still band together to assist those whose lives would simply be empty without a $14,200 “Reset Yourself” lifestyle makeover package.