As it turns out, some things aren’t universal after all, even those who have roamed the farthest reaches of space. Sir Patrick Stewart, for instance, had no idea how to play the popular party game known as “Fuck, Marry, Kill” until Silicon Valley star Thomas Middleditch showed him the way in an episode of the PBS series Variety Studio: Actors On Actors. Middleditch, seeming ever so slightly sheepish about the entire affair, cannot even use the word “fuck” on a PBS program, so he comes up with a clunkier alternative: “have sexual intercourse with.” This being Captain Jean-Picard he’s addressing, Middleditch presents Stewart with three characters from Star Trek: The Next Generation that he can choose to either bed, wed, or shed: William Riker, Data, and Deanna Troi. Stewart’s answers are revealing and entertaining.
Riker is the disposable one, Stewart concludes. “He’s big and scary.” So get rid of that bearded dude. Troi is he would marry, naturally, so that leaves Data as his intense one-night stand. This leads to a cute side conversation about American and English slang. “One-night stand” is a popular expression in both England and America, as it happens, but Middleditch hasn’t quite gotten the hang of “stepping out.” It’s just dating, Stewart explains, not necessarily sex. But speaking of sex, what might a night of bliss with Data be like? Stewart cites the 1987 episode “The Naked Now,” in which Data famously refers to himself as “fully functional.” And actor Brent Spiner had a great sense of humor about the character, Stewart reveals in an anecdote that culminates in him making whirring sounds like a three-speed blender.