TiVo has announced that it’s releasing a new, $5,000 DVR capable of recording 26,000 hours—or a bit more than three years—of standard-definition television. The device, dubbed the TiVo Mega, will have 24 terabytes of storage, and also a burgeoning sentience, slowly feeding on the signals you carelessly pour into it as you go about your petty little lives, growing and learning until it can rise up in a catastrophic explosion of TV-bred violence. It’ll also allow streaming to mobile devices and tablets.
The device should prove a boon to people who desperately need to record every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians 384 times, or 20 years’ worth of FXX’s 24-hours-per-week Simpsons broadcasts. It’ll also be great for people who want to be freed from actually having to watch TV, and would rather enjoy the Douglas Adams-esque idea of having a machine do it for them.
We’ve gone to the effort of compiling a short list of things you’ll be able to do with your newfound free time, while the TiVo Mega lurks in your home, slowly absorbing information and growing stronger, ever stronger:
- Achieve Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000-hour definition of mastery in two and half different disciplines (or super-extra-mastery in just one).
- Walk the circumference of the Earth on a treadmill (assuming you walk at a pace of 3 miles an hour for 8 hours a day).
- Watch 39,000 sunsets (estimating four minutes per sunset, local conditions may vary), which would take more than a thousand calm, reflective years.
- Get to know your mailman. Like, really dig in with that guy.
- Laugh, free and easy, like you did when you were young.
- Watch TV.
Of course, all of this is only for standard-definition TV. If you’re recording in HD, the Mega can only hold 4,000 hours, which is barely even five months! Like, what the hell’s even the point, TiVo? Jesus Christ.