Toby Keith, country music’s most distinguished mudflap, has been confirmed to perform at a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia this Saturday, just one of the many amenities currently being arranged around Donald Trump—including ketchup-slathered steak, Fox News sycophants, human rights violators, and cognitive dissonance—to make him feel more at home. Keith’s appearance was announced by his publicist, Elaine Schock, speaking freely in a way she would not be able to enjoy inside a nation governed by the strict Sharia law that Trump and Keith’s supporters are always railing against, whenever it involves presidents who are black.
According to NBC, Schock offered “no comment” on the fact that her client—whose entire career is predicated on fondling the flagpole boners of true patriots over our proud freedoms, all while moaning, hot and wet in their ear, about the naughty foreigners trying to take them away, daddy—would be playing a room she wouldn’t even be allowed in, inside a country where she would also be segregated from men in public places. As with everyone else involved in this open-minded exchange of culture and big ideas, she would presumably like to get paid.
In addition to making Donald Trump feel like a big man, Keith is also no stranger to making trips to the region, what with his having previously performed for troops via the USO, and his song “Courtesy Of The Red, White, And Blue” recently soundtracking an enormous bomb dropped on Afghanistan.
It’s unknown whether Keith will pull out that song, or one of his many other tunes that promise to put myriad metaphorical boots in the asses of various foreign threats—“Made In America,” “American Soldier,” “The Taliban Song,” etc.—all for the pleasure of a government that Trump himself has said was behind the 9/11 attacks that inspired those songs in the first place, and who is currently being sued by the families of 850 victims who died in them. Given that Saudi Arabia also strictly forbids alcohol, and the other 90 percent of Keith’s discography is about beer, this may be an exceptionally short set.
Anyway, for those who are in the neighborhood and don’t have vaginas or consciences, the free concert will also feature an appearance from Arabian lute player Rabeh Saqer, a Trump speech about Islam drafted by Muslim ban architect/Roy Cohn’s reanimated skeleton Stephen Miller, and the mad, mad roman candle of irony as it finally flames out for good.